And This Is Why I Love You, Internet People

Really. You’re the best. Sadly, even though all of you agree with me about my home repair crisis, my husband doesn’t think you’re special at all and he refuses to uninstall the new microwave oven and take it back to the store to get one with green LED numbers instead of blue ones. He’s a hater, y’all.

Some of you felt that I should just not use the appliance, which would be my first go-to plan, except I can’t really swear that I ever used it much in the first place. I didn’t say I don’t like USING the microwave, I said I didn’t like SEEING the microwave.

But then, when I began having car trouble because I found out that my new Toyota is a drug addict, once again it was Internet People to the rescue who insisted that my husband take this seriously and foot the bill for an in-patient treatment option. Again, he declined. I’m telling you, he just doesn’t care like we do.

The latest problem in my household that all of you Internet People will completely understand but that my poo-poo-head husband thinks is stupid if Pinterest. See? All I had to do was say, “Pinterest,” and you sat up straighter in your chair hoping to see cat memes and nasty e-cards. My husband doesn’t see it as productive work, and gripes a lot about me pinning things like awesome recipes that I don’t ever plan to cook even if I didn’t have an ugly, mismatched microwave.

Basically, it’s taught me that some people are just jerks who can’t be trusted to go out on a limb for vehicles with drug problems or cats with their heads stuck in Kleenex boxes. But I have all of you, and that makes up for it.

Lorca’s Week in Review (The Cheap and Easy Video Kind)

This week was a total wash. I caught a cold from an inmate and I barely had the energy to complete rudimentary personal hygiene tasks, let alone blog about the weirdness in my life. So here is a great video of my oldest daughter’s brilliantest idea ever: attempting a cartwheel in the hallway leading to my office. Basically, this one video kept me from having to think of anything profound to say here.

In more mature news, I reviewed a great book called No Easy Day. It was written by a member of SEAL Team Six who was there when Bin Laden was taken down. Probably the most interesting thing about it was it was completely void of any gung-ho, kill-me-a-towel-head mentality. It was honest and intense, but it carried a humility that I didn’t really expect from a military book.

On my autism blog, I told a really convoluted story about refusing to help my autistic child carry something heavy. I promise I had a good reason. (hint: it was a drum set headed for my bedroom)

On my YA blog, I explained how writers need coffee to make the whole thing work, and how editors need tea to keep them from killing us writers.

In funnier stuff, it’s amazing how I didn’t have energy to cook dinner but I managed to find the strength to waste a lot of time on Pinterest. Here you go. You’re welcome.

In other crazy blog news, all this crap happened:

My mother once said to me, be careful what you wish for. You just might get it. I don’t think she had any idea it could be so bad.

Dung—A Comfort Food

The Super Spud Trilogy (yup, potatoes, and yup, three books about them)

Have a great week!

Lorca’s Week in Review: Highly Medicated Edition

Amen, Jesus.

Yes, I’m on drugs. Shut up with your sarcasm, these drugs are a new development and no, I haven’t been on drugs all along. I’m taking the injections to make my bone marrow extra super-powery so I can donate next week. Aside from the stinging pain in my butt and the ability to feel my own brain, I haven’t noticed any side effects other than I now list to one side when I walk. The headache and back pain are not only normal, but they’re an awesome excuse to not cook dinner, walk the dog, or clean anything. Best of all, I’m now telling people that the extra thirty pounds I’m carrying are the result of swelling from the medication. I realize it’s not medically possible to gain that much weight since the first dose yesterday, but nobody else needs to know that.

All of the needles and drugs are to get me all set for the donation, and I have to say the scariest part of the trip is going to Tampa. Apparently there’s a hurricane-a-comin’, but even that isn’t really a deal breaker for me. There’s also a Republican-National-Convention-a-comin’, and officials have ordered an evacuation of the city. Let that sink in: the Republicans try to throw a “look at me” fundraising party, and a hurricane is set to wipe it out. Sign. From. GOD.

When I’m not too exhausted from faking an illness or badmouthing the Republicans, I was busy all week doing real grown up stuff. I have a whole new website for my students called, and I’d love for you to take a look and tell your friends.

I reviewed a great book for my writing job, and I have to say, Pushing The Limits was a five-star look at life for some screwed up teenagers.

My autism blog took a nap over the weekend while I finish the manuscript for my second autism book, available soon in print and e-reader. There’s only so much autism I can think about at one time.

I pinned a whole bunch of funny crap on Pinterest, but it turned out to be mostly stuff that laughs at the bad grammar habits of others.

On these blogs I read, all kinds of crazy took place:

This one guy with inappropriate footwear learned a life lesson from a fat woman on a bicycle.

I found out about a science fiction/fantasy online book club and I think they might card me at the door if I try to get in.

A harsh look at the reality of sucky musicals.

Wish me luck as I head into the land of “No Birth Control for Women” and “Gays Are Gonna Burn But Us Money-Grubbing Adulterers Are Gonna Be Just Fine.” Have a great week!

Lorca’s Week in Review (Of a sucky week)

Last week sucked koala butt. I got bitten by a spider, my kid broke her leg and got braces in the same day, a dear woman I know passed away, and school starts back today. With the exception of the friend (who lost a ten-year battle with cancer, so even there, it’s bitter sweet because she’s not hurting anymore), the other items on the list are all tied for the silver medal in the Suckfest Olympics.

I’ve figured out my new multi-drazillion dollar business: professional homeschooling. I’m pretty much okay with wherever my kids go to school and who their teachers are, but it would be awesome if I could get up and get ready for work, then have someone else come in and wake my kids up and teach them stuff. Heck, they can even send them to the school up the road, if they wanted to. It’s not like I’d ever know the difference. Just don’t make me get them there at the same time that my body is supposed to be at my job. The hard part of being a working mom isn’t the work, people, it’s getting three human beings out the door without one of us getting arrested for indecent exposure. Someone work on this, please.

And you thought your job was tough…

Luckily, there’s all kinds of neat things going on that kind of balance out the hard parts. I reviewed a new book and it wasn’t the worst trashy romance book ever. I’ve read some doozies. This one actually dragged out the whole schmexy part, to the point that you wondered if the cowboy was ever actually going to get down to business with the cute, educated, titled divorcee-turned-cattle-drive-cook from England who ran off to America when she found out her husband the Duke was gay. Yeah.

On my autism blog, I explain why it’s really important to have the right clothes for school. Sometimes it’s so you can fit in. Sometimes it’s so you don’t wet your pants in the fourth grade. Think it through.

On these other blogs I read, all kinds of stuff happened:

The Weird Al Experience

Dude, Grow A Pair. Don’t Let Your Woman Pluck Your Nose Hair.

This description of the worst first date in the history of dating.

And I added a whole new board for teachers on Pinterest, even though the Funny board is…well…funnier.


Less Funny

Lorca’s Week In Review

Maybe it won’t be that kind of week.

Well, I’m pretty sure the Olympics are over. I always quit watching after all the cool sports are done, but I noticed this year they snuck badminton in between different gymnastics events, just to get people to watch. Apparently there was actual a badminton scandal and protests were filed, but yet no one filed a protest that some committee thinks badminton is a sport. It’s kind of mean how they get all the great stuff out of the way, then they fill the days with things like the 6-mile swim and judo, then they come back for one last punch in the gut with an awesome marathon. Because watching an event for a little over two hours isn’t at all boring.

Now that the Olympics are over and Google can get that flame thing off its homepage, it’s time to focus on really important things like sending my kids back to school. Yes, this is the countdown, as tomorrow marks one week until school starts back for both kids and I have to say, they are every bit as sad about it as I am. On the bright side, it means we get to spend this week cramming in as much leftover fun as possible, like a deranged Finneas & Ferb on speed.

In better news, I talked about back to school on my Autism blog, too, but it’s not as funny as picturing my kids puking as I made them ride a roller coaster forty-three times in a row, just to get it all in there before next Monday.

When I’m pretending to be both a grown-up and a college graduate, I reviewed a pretty neat book about a platypus who’s wanted for arson, murder, and treason.

On my friends’ blogs, here is some of the really funky stuff that happened:

I peed when I read a nurse’s rant about men and their trouser snakes.

Talking to your plants is good. Reading them erotica…not so good.

This man swears it’s his dog who is on drugs, but I’ve been reading his stuff for a while and let me tell you, the pooch didn’t fall far from the tree.

Here’s some of the fun stuff I put on Pinterest when I was supposed to be working or feeding the dog.

Have a great week!

Lorca’s Week In Review

This is me when I figured out that I go back to work tomorrow.

Basically, anyone who is not a teacher is not going to feel the least bit sorry for me. But since I teach in the prison, we only get the month of July off in the summer. Yeah, I know. Cry me a handful. I still get way more time off than most people. But it doesn’t make me happy about going back to work tomorrow.

Since I was vacationing on borrowed time, I spent this last week traveling and getting kicked out of some of the nicer museums and attractions in this part of the country. If I wasn’t supposed to make fun of the inmates at the aquarium, why did you put them on display in giant tanks and let me walk through staring at them?

In less evicting news, I reviewed some real books for my real job and let me tell you, I hate mysteries but even I got sucked into a book coming out at the end of the month called Trickster’s Point by William Kent Krueger. On the other hand, I was left thoroughly confused by Seating Arrangements by Maggie Shipstead because I couldn’t figure out who we were supposed to like.

On my autism blog, I explain all about how I’m really confused by people who shout mean things about autism awareness through their bumper stickers, and I posted a really fun video of Carrie bouncing on my yoga ball (this is the same yoga ball she popped with her butt about a week after I took the video).

On some of the blogs I read, I found out that one lady has a rooster that’s living on borrowed time and this one other blogger thinks way too highly of lobsters. I also read one brilliant post just because how do you not click on the title, “Aren’t You Paid Not To Be Dumb?”

And finally, here’s all the hilarious stuff I found on Pinterest this week when I was supposed to be writing, but since I put the link to the funny Pinterest stuff on this blog on Sunday, then it’s practically research. I should get paid for it. There’s also this one recipe I found on Pinterest, and even though I shun recipes as a general rule because they involve cooking something, it’s for a cold remedy that this lady swears by. I’ll have to post it, but it involved honey, cider vinegar, cayenne, and ginger. I don’t remember the measurements, but just start adding it together until you feel better.

What’s Wrong With My Glitter?

I love my fans. Technically, all my fans are just friends or relatives who know that I need lots of attention, but when I refer to them as fans I feel all important. My “fans” keep sending me funky emails and repinning crap they see on Pinterest so I can find it. I have one “fan” who even made a whole Pinterest board with my name on it where she pins all the stuff that will impress me, like a jar of floating glitter (except this one thing she pinned there for me was actually a jar of floating glitter and when I tried to do it I bought the underachieving kind of glitter that just sat there).

But my one fan Cyndy Drew Etler (who wrote an awesome book that I’m really jealous of but that’s okay, because she’s a great writer AND she’s my fan) actually went the extra mile to amuse me by getting out her camera while driving on the interstate and taking this picture:

Just because she knew I would love it. And because she knows I have to move to a state that starts with a V so I can have one of those, too.

What? I’ve Been Busy…

I know, I know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been horribly busy with things like cleaning out closets and planning a trip out of town. You know, that kind of all-about-me stuff that I like to do. It’s exhausting. So this will catch you up to speed.

It’s summer. That means it’s hot. It also means I’m boycotting the whole internet because all I see are blog posts, tweets, and Pinteresty things about how hot it is. Seriously? Where the hell have you been every other summer of your whole entire life? How in the world did this one summer get so hot and all the other ones were mere balmy memories? Do you not remember running through the sprinkler as a kid because it was HOT? Or standing in front of the open fridge until your mom screamed at you to shut the door because it was HOT in the house? You don’t remember turning a box fan around and putting it in the window trying to suck some of the heat out of your house because it was HOT? Hmmm. Must be just me.

In other news, I rigged an electric fence on my property to keep my dog inside the fence. It involves a lot of wire wrapped around our fence posts and several car batteries. It totally works. I think the dog can actually smell the electric current because she hasn’t left the porch since I put it up. I completely saw this idea on Pinterest.*

(*No, I didn’t. There are some things even Pinterest can’t help me do.)

I also figured out how to break wine bottles in strategic locations so they become vases, because nothing says, “I’m a classy gal,” like vases scattered around your home made out of discarded Boone’s Farm bottles. Again, saw it on Pinterest.*

(*Again, no I didn’t.)

I also found a website willing to rent me a boat for five hours as long as I sign a waiver that says I won’t use the boat to bring drugs or Cubans into the country. Since making sweeping claims about political refugees is wrong on so many levels, I assume they meant I promise not to bring Cuban CIGARS into the country, which I would never do anyway because smoking is bad for you. I rented a boat and plan to use it when I go to the beach. They didn’t specify WHEN the five hours starts, so I plan to make it start after I get to Florida.

Finally, today is my anniversary. Screw crystal or silver, because apparently fifteen years is the “two tickets to see the midnight showing of the last Batman movie and a whole bunch of wine” anniversary. My husband and I are celebrating fifteen years of not killing each other by going zip lining and rappelling this weekend, so if all goes according to plan I’ll be filling out my eHarmony profile on Saturday night. That was a joke that I saw on Pinterest*. (*see above)

Lorca’s Week in Review (Way less annoying than going to the dentist)

This week marked the beginning of summer vacation for me (yes, if you can believe it, a state government somewhere actually decided I should teach impressionable children!), and I didn’t waste it. I tried out TONS of shit that I saw on Pinterest, not the least of which included burning my house down and blowing up a bar of Ivory soap in my microwave. I also tried to make a doormat out of all the wine corks I’ve been saving in the kitchen drawer, which only made me realize that I DRINK A LOT because it ended up becoming a living room rug.

On my Autism blog, I posted the world’s cutest video of my kid jumping up and down with the neighbor kid. If your kid isn’t autistic, that’s probably not a big deal to you, but if your kid IS autistic you realize this is bigger than the Nobel Prize. By the way, I don’t like how Nobel Prize is spelled. I want it spelled Noble. Because you should have to be noble to get it. Obviously, I’m not in charge of these things.

On my friends’ blogs, I found all of this stuff:

Please Don’t Piss Off The Chef

This friend of mine has an erotica blog with pictures of panties on it!

Apparently, a blow job CAN go on for too long…

These two people who aren’t married to each other still sit around and argue about stuff…

In book news, I read a super awesome book that is made even more awesomer by the fact that I got to read it and you didn’t because it’s not even published yet, but whenever Simon&Schuster gets around to publishing Trickster’s Point you should all run out and buy it. And this fantastical writer named Cyndy Drew Etler not only had her awesomesauce book published this week, but I GOT TO WRITE A BLURB ON THE BACK so you know it has to be cool. Or flammable. Probably flammable.

I spent a crazy amount of my first week of vacation sucked into the void of Pinterest, so here is some of the great stuff I totally stole from other Pinners:

Because It’s Funny

And for those of you keeping up with my Tweets, my dog’s tail is not broken. I know you’ve been pacing anxiously in the waiting room for that update.

Those Jerks at Pinterest Burned My House Down

No, really. They did. Here’s how it went down:

I saw this really cute idea on Pinterest that I thought might help us bond more as a family instead of waving at each other in the hallways of our house. The photo very clearly showed that this item was not going to get hot.


“But wait, Lorca,” you say, “aren’t you a science teacher? Didn’t you know that putting flaming charcoal briquettes in a terra cotta container would make the whole thing get hot?”

Shut up. You’re not the boss of me. And besides, I think that’s chemistry or something. I majored in biology. If you put flaming charcoal briquettes in a frog, I would totally be able to predict what would happen.


So there we were, having a family moment. Well, three of us were. My husband is afraid of bugs and he refused to come outside, even while I was roasting marshmallows in this handy dandy container and teaching them the words to “Cat’s in the Cradle.” We had a blast. Until this happened.

The best part of my husband’s stupid bug phobia is he still doesn’t know there’s a charred hole in our house. I paid a lot of money yesterday to have a little bit of wood delivered and I’m going to make this whole outdoor kid’s play thing that will cover up the hole. More family bonding, I get rid of the evidence, and then I’ll have something to post on Pinterest to sucker some other unsuspecting do-it-yourselfer into destroying her home. Win.