Despite having been told many, many times not to call him with car questions because he doesn’t know anything about cars, I called my husband with a car question.
ME: I was driving and I didn’t do anything, but now there’s a warning light on.
HIM: I’ve told you not to call me about cars. I don’t know anything about cars. We have THREE road-side assistance memberships, call one of them.
ME: Why do we have three?
HIM: Because I sign up and pay the annual fee, and then you do crazy stuff to your car and we wear out our welcome with the roadside assistance people.
ME: Well, the car still works and it’s not making any noises. It just has this light.
HIM: (sigh) What does it say?
ME: AUTO LSD. It says my car is high.
HIM: (silence)
ME: I’m not making this up.
HIM: Your car isn’t high.
ME: How do you know? You just said you didn’t know anything about cars, and when I tell you that my car is very clearly confessing to an LSD addiction, you just blow it off like it’s no big deal. This car is CRYING OUT FOR HELP and you. don’t. care.
HIM: Did you ask yourself how your car would have gotten LSD?
ME: You know where I work. That part of town is lousy with drug dealers. Someone could have laced the gas at the gas station I use.
HIM: (silence)
ME: I told you I wasn’t making this up. Now I think it’s hallucinating. The GPS screen is playing some drugged-out version of that movie The Wall.
HIM: That would be the backup camera.
ME: If it’s the backup camera, shouldn’t the images be in reverse?
HIM: Only if you’re driving backwards.
ME: But I’m not. So it’s all just a hallucination. This car is strung out and needs professional help.
HIM: Please don’t call the roadside assistance people. I can’t afford a fourth membership.
Lorca Damon 
“Someone could have laced the gas”
So you’re saying I should drink gasoline, just in case, right?
I totally recommend it.
[…] then, when I began having car trouble because I found out that my new Toyota is a drug addict, once again it was Internet People to the rescue who insisted that my husband take this seriously […]
Oooh! Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Great stuff!
This settles it for me. I’m going to drive my truck until it’s dead. No new cars with their new technology for me. My wife’s Saturn Outlook complains like that endlessly. It has yet to disclose any addictions, but it’s flashed warnings of other things countless times. It’s hard to ignore something that flashes before your eyes. At least with my truck I can drown out the funky sounds with my stereo…to Pink Floyd, of course. 😉
-Jimmy
I dunno, it’s always the quiet, steadfast ones with the darkest secrets. You never see it coming because they put up such a calm exterior. I don’t trust that truck.
I really, really, really (times) infinity want a follow-up to this. Because I need to know how your car fares in rehab.
It’s been really ugly so far. The hallucinations, the vomiting, the bluish smoke pulsing out of its butt…and that’s just my husband having to deal with a strung out car. I will say this…it kept it’s looks. It’s beautiful, no matter what.
Yup, I think I made a VERY good decision when I decided to follow this blog!
You might want to call NA maybe they can help you stage an intervention.
I think I’m supposed to call AAA for this intervention. Bwahahahaha!
Hey, but he knows microwave ovens, right! You can’t have everything but did it get you home in a straight line or did it wander round the neighbourhood?
No, we veered for a while, but that might have been a little bit my fault, too.
Well, if it blows up let me know. I, personally, all on my own, have blown up three cars. It’s one of my super powers.
I know I know… it’s all about me. And here your car needs a major intervention. Call his car friends.
I think his addiction is so bad that you should just blow him up with your brain powers. And then I can get the one with the stowable back seat.
Bwahahaaa!