Lorca’s Week In Review (Sports Edition)

Well, that settles it. My offspring were slow runners in the family’s first-ever attempt at organized cross country running, my college football team barely got through in OVERTIME in a game that should never have made it to overtime, and I’m pretty sure people still think ping pong is an Olympic sport. I give up.

I rounded out the week by breaking a computer that I didn’t think was even more breakable, finishing the writing of my latest book (woohoo!), and drinking celebratory wine that was imported all the way from Birmingham for the occasion. Fortunately, I remembered to dye my hair BEFORE the wine this time.

I still found time to Pin funny stuff, and here’s the proof. This video is probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in years, even if I am going to burn in hell for laughing at it.

And no, angry commenters, it’s not a funny video because he’s scared or because he’s overweight, it’s funny because his aunt’s the only person in his life willing to say to the kid, “Get your butt up on that ride! NOW!”

I reviewed another grown-up-like book for my day job, and it was another one of those books that pulls you in from the very beginning. Cascade was worth every penny and every minute.

In unrelated news, I figured out today that it is almost October, which means two things: Halloween and NaBloWriMo. Only one of those things is sexy, and I’ll let you use your imagination to figure out which one it is. Have a great week!

Lorca’s Week In Review

This is me when I figured out that I go back to work tomorrow.

Basically, anyone who is not a teacher is not going to feel the least bit sorry for me. But since I teach in the prison, we only get the month of July off in the summer. Yeah, I know. Cry me a handful. I still get way more time off than most people. But it doesn’t make me happy about going back to work tomorrow.

Since I was vacationing on borrowed time, I spent this last week traveling and getting kicked out of some of the nicer museums and attractions in this part of the country. If I wasn’t supposed to make fun of the inmates at the aquarium, why did you put them on display in giant tanks and let me walk through staring at them?

In less evicting news, I reviewed some real books for my real job and let me tell you, I hate mysteries but even I got sucked into a book coming out at the end of the month called Trickster’s Point by William Kent Krueger. On the other hand, I was left thoroughly confused by Seating Arrangements by Maggie Shipstead because I couldn’t figure out who we were supposed to like.

On my autism blog, I explain all about how I’m really confused by people who shout mean things about autism awareness through their bumper stickers, and I posted a really fun video of Carrie bouncing on my yoga ball (this is the same yoga ball she popped with her butt about a week after I took the video).

On some of the blogs I read, I found out that one lady has a rooster that’s living on borrowed time and this one other blogger thinks way too highly of lobsters. I also read one brilliant post just because how do you not click on the title, “Aren’t You Paid Not To Be Dumb?”

And finally, here’s all the hilarious stuff I found on Pinterest this week when I was supposed to be writing, but since I put the link to the funny Pinterest stuff on this blog on Sunday, then it’s practically research. I should get paid for it. There’s also this one recipe I found on Pinterest, and even though I shun recipes as a general rule because they involve cooking something, it’s for a cold remedy that this lady swears by. I’ll have to post it, but it involved honey, cider vinegar, cayenne, and ginger. I don’t remember the measurements, but just start adding it together until you feel better.

How to Eat the Soul of a Human Child

That's either his next novel he's writing or it's his manifesto.

I review books. For money. But I don’t do it for the money. I do it for the opportunity to completely destroy another human being. And get money for it.

I received a shipment of books to review today and I started with the children’s books because they’re short. They also sometimes rhyme and that’s just fun. So I started with the first children’s book because it had fewer pages and a larger font than the other children’s book. And I hated it right away.

For no discernible reason whatsoever, this book’s setting is a normal town with normal people in it, but there are also a few residents whose heads are shaped like fruit and they are named after the fruit their heads look like. And the bad guys in this town (this is the John Grisham of kids’ books, by the way) are just a bunch of freaks. One of the bad guys actually eats live chickens, head first. It’s like the author doesn’t even realize that eating a chicken head with the beak still intact means that pokey beak can slice its way through the digestive tract and lead to death by internal bleeding and septic poisoning. He really should have done his research.

Also, the dedication was really, really profoundly stupid. A dedication is so important to the book as a whole that there are whole books about the dedications and they uncover the mysterious story of why So-and-So-the-Famous-Author dedicated it to his cleaning lady, or something cool like that. This book was dedicated to “my family and the color yellow.” The eye rolling was both required and almost painful.

When I actually sat down at my computer to write my review, I began with the pertinent info on the book and my verdict: two stars. It was saved from one-star land by the fact that I really do like the color yellow and I’m only a little bit jealous that I didn’t think of it first. But as I began to tear this book apart syllable-by-syllable and expose every minute thing that was wrong with the universe now that this book exists, I thought maybe I should do a little digging on who this author really is.

He’s a first grader. No, not for the twenty-third time. The author is actually six years old and is missing one of his front teeth because the other one isn’t loose yet. And he’s cute. I learned all that by flipping the book over and looking at the blurb about him.

When I think about how I almost gave birth to a serial killer by writing a scathing review of the atrocity that is this book, I did feel a little bit guilty for this author’s future victims. He’ll probably start with his own parents. And the kid who delivers the newspaper because he’ll walk in on the slaying. I just single-handedly laid the groundwork for the next car driving through a crowded McDonald’s at lunch time.

Fortunately, I was able to delete my review and make a few changes. The encouraging kind, not the kind that suggests maybe he shouldn’t attempt to write anything ever again, including a grocery list. Because with my luck, I’ll be waiting right there ready to argue the lack of character development and a solid plot line on his list of bomb-making items he needs from the hardware store.