Seriously? WHAT Were You Looking For?

I am ever so fond of every single person who reads this blog, whether they are die-hard fans who read anything I spew here or they are lowly internet people who accidentally found my blog at 2am while trying to complete their sixth graders’ homework projects. Either way, I’m glad you stopped by.

But I am going to have to start taking issue with the WAYS people find my blog. This website gives me all kinds of fancy tools that let me learn a lot of information that might otherwise be useless to someone whose technological know-how doesn’t extend past the wine bottle opener. And I am very sad that the website showed me the keywords that people typed in on the internet that brought them to this blog:

Really? REALLY? SCARY BABIES and DEAD PEOPLE? C’mon, Internet people, work with me here!

Advertisements

Lorca’s Week in Review: Highly Medicated Edition

Amen, Jesus.

Yes, I’m on drugs. Shut up with your sarcasm, these drugs are a new development and no, I haven’t been on drugs all along. I’m taking the injections to make my bone marrow extra super-powery so I can donate next week. Aside from the stinging pain in my butt and the ability to feel my own brain, I haven’t noticed any side effects other than I now list to one side when I walk. The headache and back pain are not only normal, but they’re an awesome excuse to not cook dinner, walk the dog, or clean anything. Best of all, I’m now telling people that the extra thirty pounds I’m carrying are the result of swelling from the medication. I realize it’s not medically possible to gain that much weight since the first dose yesterday, but nobody else needs to know that.

All of the needles and drugs are to get me all set for the donation, and I have to say the scariest part of the trip is going to Tampa. Apparently there’s a hurricane-a-comin’, but even that isn’t really a deal breaker for me. There’s also a Republican-National-Convention-a-comin’, and officials have ordered an evacuation of the city. Let that sink in: the Republicans try to throw a “look at me” fundraising party, and a hurricane is set to wipe it out. Sign. From. GOD.

When I’m not too exhausted from faking an illness or badmouthing the Republicans, I was busy all week doing real grown up stuff. I have a whole new website for my students called WritersOnTheInside.com, and I’d love for you to take a look and tell your friends.

I reviewed a great book for my writing job, and I have to say, Pushing The Limits was a five-star look at life for some screwed up teenagers.

My autism blog took a nap over the weekend while I finish the manuscript for my second autism book, available soon in print and e-reader. There’s only so much autism I can think about at one time.

I pinned a whole bunch of funny crap on Pinterest, but it turned out to be mostly stuff that laughs at the bad grammar habits of others.

On these blogs I read, all kinds of crazy took place:

This one guy with inappropriate footwear learned a life lesson from a fat woman on a bicycle.

I found out about a science fiction/fantasy online book club and I think they might card me at the door if I try to get in.

A harsh look at the reality of sucky musicals.

Wish me luck as I head into the land of “No Birth Control for Women” and “Gays Are Gonna Burn But Us Money-Grubbing Adulterers Are Gonna Be Just Fine.” Have a great week!

Versatile Does Not Mean “Limber in the Bedroom”

For some reason, I always thought referring to someone as being versatile meant that they were somehow capable of all kinds of kinky sexy acrobatic-type stuff. Apparently, it’s actually a compliment? Mea culpa to the person I blocked on Twitter for calling me versatile and if I figure out how to unblock you I will. And I’ll mail you an apology kitten.

No, I actually got nominated by the made-of-all-things-amazing blogger Write_Me_Happy. I don’t know her real name and if I did I still wouldn’t tell you. This is the internet, you stalker. Sorry, that just slipped out. So, thank you!

The cool thing about the Versatile Blogger Award is it’s the award that keeps on giving because now I get to nominate people. I think that’s how the Nobel Prize works. Maybe not.

Anyway, here are my nominees for the Versatile Blogger Award (that sounded very Oscar-For-Best-Actress-ceremony in my head just now):

  1. DogsOnDrugs.com
  2. TheBloggess.com
  3. TamponCrafts.com
  4. Grammar.QuickandDirtyTips.com
  5. TraceyHansen.com
  6. WritingontheRocks.com
  7. RachelintheOC.com
  8. IndieBookCollective.com
  9. GoodEReader.com
  10. PubwriteGroup.com
  11. HyperboleandaHalf.Blogspot.com
  12. TheFunnyBlog.org
  13. LianaBrooks.Blogspot.com
  14. TheaAtkinson.Wordpress.com
  15. EricaLuckeDean.com

That list isn’t at all comprehensive, but I didn’t have to put a ton of effort into thinking this through. Instead, I just looked at my online history and realized that these are the blogs I go to most often because they are worth staying up late to read even though I have to go to work in the morning. I don’t have to explain to you why I spend so much time on TamponCrafts.com. That’s my business.

Part of the nomination for this prestigious award means a profile of the winner, kind of like those hazy-filtered montages they do during the Olympics where John Tesh briefly narrates the heart-wrenching life story of the little gymnast who overcame bastardism, Communism, and typhoid to triumph on the balance beam. So here is some not-so-interesting information about me:

  1. I once had to eat a live octopus because it was the polite thing to do.
  2. I stepped on a toothpick as a child and had to have it surgically removed from my foot, then proved I’d learned my lesson by stepping on something else the next month and having to have that removed as well.
  3. I once had to wear the Domino’s Noid costume in a parade because I was the only one small enough to fit in it.
  4. I auditioned to be the Water Skiing Goofy at DisneyWorld, but I’m too tall.
  5. I’ve never eaten a Big Mac in my life.
  6. My favorite wine is Southern Gold, which is grown and bottled within two miles of my house.
  7. My second car was given to me by a relative and it was a huge improvement over my first car despite that fact that its interior had once been on fire.

I didn’t leave John Tesh much to work with but the images of me staring morosely out the window will make up for it.

Finally, there are rules for those that I’ve nominated and they are listed below. Thank you to everyone involved in furthering my greatness. I will remember your kindness when I take over the world.

Fine Print for My Nominees:

1. In a post on your, blog, nominate 15 fellow bloggers for The Versatile Blogger Award.

2. In the same post, Add the Versatile Blogger Award.

3. In the same post, thank the blogger who nominated you in a post with a link back to their blog.

4. In the same post, share 7 completely random pieces of information about yourself.

5. In the same post, include this set of rules.

6. Inform each nominated blogger of their nomination by posting a comment on each of their blogs.

Happy Birthday Dear Blog, Happy Birthday Dear Blog…

I. Want. That. Make it so, Number One.

…Happy Birthday Dear Blooo-aaahhgg, Happy Birthday Dear Blog!

Yes, today is my blog’s first birthday. I bought it a cake knowing full well that it would just smash its chubby little hand into the frosting and shove fistfuls into its greedy little cheeks, so to save any mess that would ruin the cute little first birthday outfit I bought for my blog, I just ate the entire cake myself.

It’s been a lot of fun and I have to say, I am mightily shocked that my blog lasted this long. My last potted plant didn’t make it for three months, and that damned thing was a cactus. You have to be talented to neglect a cactus to death. God invented cactus specifically for climates that like to neglect things until they die.

The amazing thing is I still managed to have a career or two, a family, and even a couple of hobbies this year, and STILL write about stuff. Obviously, a lot of the stuff I got to laugh at involved my job, my family members, and my hobbies, but that’s a good thing.

So what will next year bring for my blog? Well, I’m expecting it to have serious issues with the terrible twos, so by this time next year it will be completely unreadable. Unless it’s gifted. Oh, wouldn’t it be great if my blog was gifted? Then I could show pictures of it to people in line at the grocery store and bore them to death with stories about how talented it is, and they can’t get away because they haven’t paid for that bag of gummy bears yet but they already opened it and ate some.

I do want to take this opportunity to say thanks for reading, because my blog wouldn’t have lived to see its first birthday if WordPress hadn’t kept convincing me all year that 47 people read it on a regular basis. Who am I to take the only source of joy in a bleak world away from all 47 of you? I’m like Florence Nightingale. Or Lady Gaga. I don’t know which.

Here’s to another year!

File That One Under “Oops”

These picture doesn't mean anything. But it made me laugh.

HaHa! (cue the rest of my evil laughter…I don’t really have a good evil laugh so this imaginary soundtrack will have to do.) It’s 10:33PM where I live, and you’re thinking, “Oh my goodness! Lorca didn’t post anything today! And to think she was so committed to #NaBloWriMo! She must be DEAD or drunk. Someone send either the paramedics or some strong black coffee to her house STAT!”

You are so melodramatic. The truth is, I simply forgot. That’s what happens when you start the day by getting one kid to school and the other to a field trip in the next city, still manage to make it to work on time, pick up both kids from school, come home, make dinner, write three articles, LIVE BLOG A PRESS CONFERENCE IN HONG KONG, arrange two interviews, clean up some Dachshund urine, bathe the kids, get them to bed, write another article, take a shower, and go to bed.

Suddenly, you sit up in bed and scream, “I didn’t say anything funny on the internet today!” And we all know how my husband loves to be jolted from a sound sleep by a woman screaming weird-assed remarks. And you had the nerve to tell people I was drunk. You should be ashamed.