I used to have a grandmother. Well, technically, I guess like every other mammal on the planet I used to have two of them. But I actually knew this one. Legend has it that this one grandmother was so good at money management that she could…and I quote venerable relatives here…”get three pennies outta one.”

I am here to tell you folks, that’s a lie. One penny back in the olden days still only equaled one penny. And as much as I loved Grandma dearly, part of the reason she was such a good financial planner is she liked to serve her family meals like this one:

Yup. That’s Spam. Broiled, to be exact, with fancy ham-like cuts in it and a pineapple ring on top. Those are even cloves. Grandma was quite the frugal gourmet, let me tell you. She also had this funky dessert involving bananas with mayonnaise instead of Cool-Whip. Even die-hard cheapskates felt sorry for us around the holidays.

But gosh darnit, we’re in a bad economy right now and there’s a lesson to be learned from her attempts at culinary belt-tightening. If Grandma could still serve elegantish meals like honey-glazed Spam at holiday gatherings, so can I. I can even take it a step further by using generic Spam. When you open the pop-top on the can there’s this layer of Poltergeist-like ooze on the surface. Don’t throw that away. You can save even more money by feeding it to the dog or using it to lubricate the bearings on your car.

But just like Grandma, I can’t just plop some lunchmeat product on the table for my dearest kin to eat. I need to lovingly morph this knock-off Spam product into something festive, something that shows my family that I care enough about them to take the time and effort to go the extra mile. Therefore, my family will be feasting on roast Spam on a spit this year for Christmas, complete with an apple in its mouth.

I have nothing better to do than sculpt meat conglomerate made out of pig brains into cute shapes. Enjoy!

I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way Lorca is this amazing without a full staff of lackeys who work ‘round the clock to make her this…well, awesome. And the answer is, you’re right. People line up to do my bidding because the Earth would simply stop spinning if I weren’t so freaking amazing. Yes, as a matter of fact, I have been drinking and taking cold medicine at the same time.

Let me be the first to tell you, it’s smoke and mirrors, my friend. In fact, from time to time people ask me how I manage to do it all. The answer is simple. Crystal meth. Just kidding. But thanks to a cruel twist of genetic fate that produced a child who doesn’t need more than five hours sleep in a forty-hour period, I’ve learned to tap into those previously wasted hours that occur between 9:00pm and 2:00am. I’m uber-productive at that time.

But occasionally, the awesomeness that is me does need a little help from the back-up dancers, and so at this time I would like to thank the little people who helped make my most recent novel possible. Just shove me over when I get too full of myself.

I’ve already mentioned that the very nice man who founded the website InsectsAreFood.com was not only helpful, but extremely punctual in his helpfulness. I hadn’t even gotten the horrible image of having a cricket leg stuck to the roof of my mouth out of my head yet when this man emailed his response to my really stupid list of questions. Face it, has anyone ever asked YOU what bugs taste like? How about, “Is it okay if I mix them with beef fat and make it into a paste?” I think not, but this man didn’t even blink. I, however, threw up in my mouth while typing that question. The Insect Man is awesome.

I also relied heavily on a website founded by a man simply called Merriweather. How do you not love someone, male or female, named Merriweather? He OWNS that name. And he owns a great website called ForagingTexas.com. If you and I are ever lost in the middle of nowhere in Texas and have to eat plants, we can look up that website on our smartphones (instead of ordering pizzas on those smartphones) and eat stuff we find, thanks to Merriweather. More importantly, my main characters didn’t die in Chapter 2 from eating poisonous plants, making my novel the shortest novel ever.

And very importantly, a wonderful HAM radio operator very, very patiently explained why my entire book premise won’t work because radios actually do use a lot more electricity than one solar panel can provide, but then he was very nice about explaining how I could possibly still make it work. Thank you, Larry Barr (K5WLF) of the TAARC ham radio club, for answering all forty-three of my emails.

These people join my hall of fame of people who make me look really, really smarter than I am. I thank you heartily.