Something horrible happened to the social media influence website called Klout. Basically, this website looks at all kinds of magical internet data and tells you (and potential bosses) how important you are. That’s great if you’re Steve Jobs. Well, it used to be great if you’re Steve Jobs. If you’re me and your sphere of influence doesn’t even include the people you eat dinner with most nights, it kind of sucks.

Then the horrible thing happened and Klout figured out that the scores they were giving people were waaaay too high. I think they forgot to carry the one. One day, eager Klout users like me jumped on there once again to make sure they were still as important as they thought they were and their scores had plummeted. The screaming could be heard from parents’ basements all around the country.

But lately, I’ve noticed an uncanny knack I have for getting people to do bizarre things that I ask of them. One friend even explained it as God using me as His instrument for good here on Earth and that, my friends, is a lovely Christmas-miracle visual. But what if I’m actually Beelzebub and I just don’t know it? What if I’m, like, Satan-possessing people? I’m pretty sure I’m going to be in loads of trouble for that.

In an effort to save my immortal soul, I’m going to need to ask all of you to stop doing whatever I tell you to do. This, obviously, does not apply to children, pets, or husbands. Or people waiting for parking spots. Or blood donors. All of those people still have to do my evil bidding.