Something horrible happened to the social media influence website called Klout. Basically, this website looks at all kinds of magical internet data and tells you (and potential bosses) how important you are. That’s great if you’re Steve Jobs. Well, it used to be great if you’re Steve Jobs. If you’re me and your sphere of influence doesn’t even include the people you eat dinner with most nights, it kind of sucks.
Then the horrible thing happened and Klout figured out that the scores they were giving people were waaaay too high. I think they forgot to carry the one. One day, eager Klout users like me jumped on there once again to make sure they were still as important as they thought they were and their scores had plummeted. The screaming could be heard from parents’ basements all around the country.
But lately, I’ve noticed an uncanny knack I have for getting people to do bizarre things that I ask of them. One friend even explained it as God using me as His instrument for good here on Earth and that, my friends, is a lovely Christmas-miracle visual. But what if I’m actually Beelzebub and I just don’t know it? What if I’m, like, Satan-possessing people? I’m pretty sure I’m going to be in loads of trouble for that.
In an effort to save my immortal soul, I’m going to need to ask all of you to stop doing whatever I tell you to do. This, obviously, does not apply to children, pets, or husbands. Or people waiting for parking spots. Or blood donors. All of those people still have to do my evil bidding.
Lorca Damon 
Well, this post had me all messed up. Since you told me to stop doing whatever you tell me to. Then I will have to not do the thing you told me to do, which is stop doing what you tell me. Ug. I’m so confused.
That was my evil plan!
Please tell me NOT to drink beer!
Look into my eyes. Deep into my eyes. Deeper. Now, do not drink beer. And do not wash my car. Whatever you do, you must not fold my laundry.
Lorca, I loved your post. Your humor was spot on and brightened my day. It needed to be brightened. Maybe it was the bedazzled trident.
Sally forth,
Ardee-ann
There is NOTHING that doesn’t look better bedazzled. That’s why cupcakes have sparkly sugar and supermodels wear glitter eyeshadow.
Thank you Lorca! That sure makes my to-do list easier! Except for that blood donor thing.