Al Gore Made Christmas Suck


Here in the South, this time of year is the season that singlehandedly kills more people than any other, and not just because we get drunk and fall out of our tree stands while deer hunting. According to everyone, the wild fluctuations in weather are responsible for literally all illness. Forget that guy who discovered the germ theory of disease, no. All sickness is caused by the fact that it might be 78 degrees one day and 27 degrees the next, meaning that we in Alabama never know how to dress for the weather. I’m sure it makes sense to someone.

The real problem with the crazy shifts in temperature is that I have been unable to decorate for Christmas this year. I’m not going to stand outside in shorts and a T-shirt and string Christmas lights or hang wreaths from every window. You might already think, “Hell, 80 degrees would be perfect for having to spend three hours in my front yard doing something pointless,” but no. You’re wrong. It’s the festivity issue at stake.

This weather thing is not new. It’s a phenomenon that has been killing azaleas and confusing farm animals for hundreds of years now. But thanks to Al Gore and his movie that I had to sit through, now I know that it’s not just something natural that happens in cycles with the constant warming and cooling of the Earth. Now I know it’s my fault. And your fault. Mostly your fault.

How am I supposed to slather on sunscreen and selfishly stand in my front yard basking in the glow of a sun that is now killing polar bears as we speak, just to toss some Walmart inflatable yard art around my property? It just feels wrong. That’s why I have not flung a single decoration at this point. It’s entirely your fault, Gore, and not at all due to my laziness. I hope you can live with yourself.

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12 thoughts on “Al Gore Made Christmas Suck

  1. Through my tears, I showed hubby the Al Gore pic.

    Mind you, hubby is a judgmental bitch.

    Hubby said, “Lorca is officially cool.”

  2. I have been trying to figure out global warming bullshit for some time now. What the hell did they blame it on hundreds of years ago? The Earth can’t even act natural without getting a bad name. We burn our garbage out in the sticks…our contribution to warming up the Earth because it’s colder than hell where I live! Oh, I decorated this year so I can warm up my hands on the christmas tree lights! Loved this post, it was fun to read but the snow makes me shiver!

    • Yeah, the snow automatically appeared on December 1st and I don’t know how to turn it off. And btw, that snow is proof that the Hallmark card people are sappy jerks…everyone one of those snowflakes on my screen is identical. So much for that uniqueness crap they keep telling us.

  3. You are aware that Global Warming is a crock of shit, right? Everyone knows that temperatures are rising because we have not sacrificed enough virgins to the Volcano God.

    (Meanwhile, I’m in Phoenix, and the mountains are covered in snow… We know how to sacrifice virgins, apparently.)

    • If I’m sacrificing virgins to anything, it sure as hell won’t be to change the temperature outdoors. It will be to reduce the price of margaritas at the local Mexican restaurant.

  4. Well Lorca, you’ll be happy to know that in our corner of Al it got cold enough for us to don gloves and go buy our Christmas tree. We plan to hurry up and decorate it tonight. There is a warm spell comin’ this week and we might lose the mood.

  5. So global warming is the culprit. Thank God, it’s snowing on this blog, because I’m not getting any in Minnesota. But I should have expected that. I got new snowshoes this year. In MN, we decorate for the season in any warm snap we get — Thanksgiving, Veteran’s Day. Why do you think that house down the street has its lights up in July?

    • I’ve always heard that people in MN have to plan their Halloween costumes to fit over a snow suit. I’d leave my lights up all year, too. Hell, I’d still be plugging them in, just to make people think they were still up because I liked them so much.

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