Merry Christmas to Me

This could be me if my family were more open to gift ideas.
I am not the easiest person to shop for, as evidenced by the fact that my side of the family just celebrated Christmas and I did not receive a single gift that spouts fire on purpose. Given that I know this about myself, I’ve decided—in a veritable fit of Christmas generosity—to tell all of you what to get me. You’re welcome. I’ve also listed Kidney Points next to each item, basically telling you how big a favor I would owe you if you decided to get me that particular item.

Item #1: I need a better office chair. (25 Kidney Points)
I realize that there are office chairs to be had at all kinds of stores these days, but I want the really awesome ergonomic chair that I saw in a catalog. I can’t remember which catalog, so if it happens to be the right chair, you may add six more Kidney Points for being psychic.

Item #2: Letterhead and envelopes with my name on it. (10 Kidney Points)
But it can’t be plain ordinary personalized stationery. I want it to have my full name and business information but I want it spelled out in ransom note font. How great would that be to know that you mailed a letter to some corporate jerk and when he opens it he thinks it’s a ransom note? Even just for a minute or two??? I’m all giggly now just thinking about it.

I promise to use better spelling with my ransom note stationery.

Item #3: I really do need a gun. (this one’s a toughy…100 Kidney Points)
Here’s the catch with owning a gun. It really needs to be registered to someone who deserves to burn in hell, so that every time I shoot someone with it, it racks up even more charges against that person. The real trick is I also need an unlimited supply of ammo that has already been touched by that bad person, so that when I shoot people that bad person’s fingerprints are all over the shell casings, thus providing even more evidence against him or her. See? I’m thinking of you here.

Item #4: A fluffy bathrobe. (5 Kidney Points)
This one’s kinda boring, but I have this really warm bathrobe already. The problem is I’m really short and it drags the ground when I walk. I’ve tripped a few times on the hem. I’d really like one that does not make me look as old as I am.

Item #5: Wine. (2000 Kidney Points)
You only get the kidney points if I can call you at any time and you deliver it so I don’t have to take off my bathrobe or get out of my ergonomic chair to go to the store. It’s not that I’m selfish, I really am that busy. These ransom notes aren’t going to write themselves…