Keeping You Badger-Free Since 2011

Those of you who were reading my blog around this time last year probably remember that we finally had our elderly dog put to sleep because she started to smell like the plague. We got a new one, a really great poodle from a poodle rescue center (yes, they specialize now), and the only thing that made him really great was he knew not to get his leash wrapped around mailboxes when we would go for a walk. This Mensan of a dog could look at an object and decide to go around it without me having to drag him by the neck. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. I got a bathrobe and an office chair for Christmas, I’m kind of low maintenance that way.

I didn’t write about it at the time because I was still on the verge of throat punching people, but our great Mensan poodle was stolen back in the fall. I couldn’t very well go tell the poodle rescue people that I managed to lose a dog WHILE I WAS HOME and I needed them to give me another one, so I went to the local regular dog rescue and had to take whatever they had. Unfortunately, they had no poodles, but they did have a Dachshund.

I really should have paid better attention to the fact that they were way too excited about getting this dog a home. They offered to deliver it. Only now in hindsight is that making alarm bells go off. But it didn’t look like any of those wretched things on the Sarah McLaughlin commercials so I thought it would be a good pet for us. Well, that and the fact that this dog was on clearance. I’m a sucker for anything on sale.

This is possibly the stupidest dog alive. Forget learning any commands in human language, I’m not even sure this dog speaks dog. I’ve pulled this tiny animal out of our toilets and trashcans more times than I care to think about, especially when I see it licking my husband’s face. No, wait, that’s actually kind of funny.

The really sad thing about the dog is the fact that it looks like it was made from parts of other dogs. It’s legs are obviously too short because it’s a Dachshund, but it’s back is also too long, it’s head is so big compared to its body that it has trouble keeping its ears off the ground, and it trips on its own horrifically long tail a lot. This thing looks like someone’s idea of a genetic joke. There’s something so galactically wrong with it that I’m not even sure I should be capitalizing the name of its breed.

I knew there had to be a purpose for this breed besides “court jester,” kind of like how retrievers bring things back and collies keep things in a circle, so my brother Googled it for me. Sit down for this one: Dachshunds were bred for their ability to keep badgers away.

If I am ever in danger from a badger attack, say, while waiting in the carpool lane at my kids’ school, all I have to do is whip this stupid thing out of my purse and those badgers will tuck tail and run. I’m envisioning ruffian Vikings going on midnight pillaging runs with Dachshunds strapped firmly to the front of their armor to ward off the unsuspecting town’s badger defenses.

Since obviously the Dachshund can’t actually take on a badger in combat, I think the purpose for the dog was to make the badgers not want to be anywhere in the vicinity. So far the only defense mechanism my dog has in the ongoing struggle against badger attack is this unholy smell that she emits from a special anti-badger gland right on her ass. The vet keeps having to “express” it but I think he’s actually making a commercial-grade badger defense spray out of the foul-smelling ooze that goops out of her. I can already testify that it is effective in keeping one’s family members away, which is reason enough for owning a stupid wiener dog.

Merry Christmas to Me

This could be me if my family were more open to gift ideas.
I am not the easiest person to shop for, as evidenced by the fact that my side of the family just celebrated Christmas and I did not receive a single gift that spouts fire on purpose. Given that I know this about myself, I’ve decided—in a veritable fit of Christmas generosity—to tell all of you what to get me. You’re welcome. I’ve also listed Kidney Points next to each item, basically telling you how big a favor I would owe you if you decided to get me that particular item.

Item #1: I need a better office chair. (25 Kidney Points)
I realize that there are office chairs to be had at all kinds of stores these days, but I want the really awesome ergonomic chair that I saw in a catalog. I can’t remember which catalog, so if it happens to be the right chair, you may add six more Kidney Points for being psychic.

Item #2: Letterhead and envelopes with my name on it. (10 Kidney Points)
But it can’t be plain ordinary personalized stationery. I want it to have my full name and business information but I want it spelled out in ransom note font. How great would that be to know that you mailed a letter to some corporate jerk and when he opens it he thinks it’s a ransom note? Even just for a minute or two??? I’m all giggly now just thinking about it.

I promise to use better spelling with my ransom note stationery.

Item #3: I really do need a gun. (this one’s a toughy…100 Kidney Points)
Here’s the catch with owning a gun. It really needs to be registered to someone who deserves to burn in hell, so that every time I shoot someone with it, it racks up even more charges against that person. The real trick is I also need an unlimited supply of ammo that has already been touched by that bad person, so that when I shoot people that bad person’s fingerprints are all over the shell casings, thus providing even more evidence against him or her. See? I’m thinking of you here.

Item #4: A fluffy bathrobe. (5 Kidney Points)
This one’s kinda boring, but I have this really warm bathrobe already. The problem is I’m really short and it drags the ground when I walk. I’ve tripped a few times on the hem. I’d really like one that does not make me look as old as I am.

Item #5: Wine. (2000 Kidney Points)
You only get the kidney points if I can call you at any time and you deliver it so I don’t have to take off my bathrobe or get out of my ergonomic chair to go to the store. It’s not that I’m selfish, I really am that busy. These ransom notes aren’t going to write themselves…