Merry Christmas to Me

This could be me if my family were more open to gift ideas.
I am not the easiest person to shop for, as evidenced by the fact that my side of the family just celebrated Christmas and I did not receive a single gift that spouts fire on purpose. Given that I know this about myself, I’ve decided—in a veritable fit of Christmas generosity—to tell all of you what to get me. You’re welcome. I’ve also listed Kidney Points next to each item, basically telling you how big a favor I would owe you if you decided to get me that particular item.

Item #1: I need a better office chair. (25 Kidney Points)
I realize that there are office chairs to be had at all kinds of stores these days, but I want the really awesome ergonomic chair that I saw in a catalog. I can’t remember which catalog, so if it happens to be the right chair, you may add six more Kidney Points for being psychic.

Item #2: Letterhead and envelopes with my name on it. (10 Kidney Points)
But it can’t be plain ordinary personalized stationery. I want it to have my full name and business information but I want it spelled out in ransom note font. How great would that be to know that you mailed a letter to some corporate jerk and when he opens it he thinks it’s a ransom note? Even just for a minute or two??? I’m all giggly now just thinking about it.

I promise to use better spelling with my ransom note stationery.

Item #3: I really do need a gun. (this one’s a toughy…100 Kidney Points)
Here’s the catch with owning a gun. It really needs to be registered to someone who deserves to burn in hell, so that every time I shoot someone with it, it racks up even more charges against that person. The real trick is I also need an unlimited supply of ammo that has already been touched by that bad person, so that when I shoot people that bad person’s fingerprints are all over the shell casings, thus providing even more evidence against him or her. See? I’m thinking of you here.

Item #4: A fluffy bathrobe. (5 Kidney Points)
This one’s kinda boring, but I have this really warm bathrobe already. The problem is I’m really short and it drags the ground when I walk. I’ve tripped a few times on the hem. I’d really like one that does not make me look as old as I am.

Item #5: Wine. (2000 Kidney Points)
You only get the kidney points if I can call you at any time and you deliver it so I don’t have to take off my bathrobe or get out of my ergonomic chair to go to the store. It’s not that I’m selfish, I really am that busy. These ransom notes aren’t going to write themselves…

9 thoughts on “Merry Christmas to Me

  1. Too bad you didn’t give us the list before Christmas. I don’t know any criminals who would put their prints on some shell casings for me but I’ll bet I could find a really nice fluffy bathrobe in a size 4 petite. The chair. Not too sure. DH and I have a running disagreement about what actually constitutes a chair so you are on your own there. My main requirement is that it actually keep your ass off the floor but apparently that isn’t the prime directive……Merry Christmas. May most of your dreams come true.

    • And I noticed right away there was absolutely zero mention of how you would have bought me the flame thrower if only you’d known. Why did I even bother registering at the military surplus store???

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