I Do Love Me a Good Coupon…Or Even a Bad One

I’m a financial enigma. I think nothing of going to four different stores to do my grocery shopping in order to get the best prices and save all that I can, but will happily turn around at my computer and book a trip to London on a moment’s notice. I guess those two things cancel each other out…the grocery spending makes it possible to get stupid with the credit card when something shiny passes in front of me.

This mindset means I have to really be watchful for a good deal. No, I’m not an extreme couponer (I could be wrong, but it looks like you have to be good at math to make that work…I suck at math, and would just end up with a closet overloaded with aluminum foil for no reason) and I’m not about to jump in a dumpster to get the coupons from yesterday’s paper. But like I said, when a deal presents itself, I’m going to take advantage of it.

Like this, for example:

neuter (800x294)

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Wow, crazy shit shows up at Lorca’s house! Who the hell makes a coupon to neuter your pet? Where does this woman live?!”

But you and I are not on the same wavelength. MY first thought was, “Hey, they didn’t say it had to be a dog! It doesn’t even have to be a pet! And my husband isn’t neutered!”

Yes, I actually took the time to clip that coupon hoping against hope that this would result in a $50 vasectomy for my husband, minus the $10 discount. I was thinking I could get them on the technicality of not specifying that it had to be an animal they worked on, but it turns out that no, they were not willing to honor the coupon (yes, I called and asked to speak to the manager even…she hung up on me). I even hinted that this might be a case of false advertising and that there were laws against that, but she countered with the fact that vets don’t have to work on humans unless it’s the Civil War AND the fact that the fine print states cats or dogs. Touche’.

Ever in search of a bargain, however, I’m now willing to sell my $10 coupon to someone for $5. Call me if you’re interested and have an actual animal to de-ball.

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The Shiniest of Birth Control Methods Available

It's for the pizza, silly, not for his surgery.

Somewhere along the way we decided my husband should have a vasectomy. And by we, I mean that as in the royal we, which really just means me. He is not on board with this idea at this time. I can’t imagine why. I’ve been putting up with random people in lab coats playing in my own personal space for years, the least he can do is man up and let our good friend who happens to be a pee-pee doctor (and a pizza restaurant owner…go figure) do a little south-of-the-border pruning.

I basically had to go on strike in order to get Darling Husband to take my list of demands seriously. He realized I was completely 100% for real on this issue when he walked in the bathroom and saw my diaphragm on the counter next to my sink. I had bedazzled it. It was now all sparkly and being used to hold cotton balls. Because I don’t plan to need it any time soon. Snip, snip.

This is not the first time I have had to take drastic steps in order to get Darling Husband to comply with my every wish. I had to Nair his back hair once because he insisted on walking around shirtless in front of our preteen daughter’s friends, which is wrong (and illegal in fourteen states). I had to pay a gardener not once but twice to replant the shrubs Darling Husband ripped out, not that I can’t replant them myself but it stings so much more when he gets a bill for the work.

So as Darling Husband writhes in imaginary agony at even thinking about letting anyone do permanent and vindictive harm to his nether parts, he has been warned that more bedazzling of important things will take place if he does not hurry and accomplish this unpleasant task. For his part, I have been forbidden to post photos of the procedure if he does comply and I quickly agreed, but he never mentioned anything about inviting people to watch the video on my YouTube channel. It will be sparkly.