I’m not really sure why I write this blog, but I am fairly certain that if I didn’t write this blog and these stupid thoughts didn’t get out of my head, I would hurt something in a monumental way, and maybe even hurt a monument in a monumental way. I could easily break something off of Mt. Rushmore if I didn’t write, so by you reading this crap you are actually helping to preserve our American heritage. And by my giving you something to write about so you can read it and save history, I’m really enabling you to be a hero. You’re welcome.
And since I really do want to help you save America by reading my blog, I did some research into what hoop-jumping steps people are willing to go through in order to find this site. Research might be a strong word, it’s more like I clicked on the Summary button on my dashboard. But I read the Summary. That’s important, right?
I probably shouldn’t have looked up the Summary because as it turns out, an alarming number of people found my blog by Googling “smelly nerds.” I don’t ever remember writing about geeks with body odor, and I’m sure if I had written about that Klout would have instantly made me influential about body odor, but more than 250 people searched for smelly nerds on the internet and found my blog. I’m both curious and scared that so many people were even looking for smelly nerds and apparently they want to hook up with smelly nerds that they meet online. Leave me out of it, guys.
Other top searches included horse (108 hits), horse run, horses eating grass, eating a horse, and an unrelated search, raping a cow. I do specifically remember blogging about eating a horse, but the rest of that stuff is Greek to me. There were a lot of searches for condoms that brought people to the fun that is my brain, as well as a lot of zombie searches and crotch shot detectives.
I would like to say to the no-doubt saintly woman who had to Google “my husband pees on stuff,” I hope the search brought her to my blog post about the cool ways to kill my husband.
Now that I know what my reading audience likes to hear about, do expect a lot more blog posts about horses and body odor and possibly a combination post or two about horse body odor. My vivid descriptions of the smell coming off of zombie horse crotches could very well save the Statue of Liberty.