I’m Taking Out a Mob Hit on The Lorax

WARNING: The following blog post has been brought to you by mixing Nyquil with large amounts of liquor.

I don’t give a rat’s ass how brilliant Dr. Seuss was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was an amazing writer who inspired countless millions of children to want to read and blah-di-fuckety-blah. All I know is some stupid book comes out about how this Onceler shithead chopped down all the Truffula trees and The Lorax tried to speak for the trees and then those bears in their pajamas had to move away and take the ducks and the fish with them, then it’s up to this kid who probably steals money from his mom’s wallet to buy weed and he has to replant the entire world with trees. Thus ends my book report on The Lorax.

Somebody who probably loved that book as much as I used to saw a random real-life tree and thought to himself (it was definitely a man who did this to us), “Hey! That white fluffy tree looks exactly like those Truffula trees from that wonderful Dr. Seuss book! Who cares if they smell like whale semen? We should plant them EVERYWHERE! And I mean, EVERYWHERE!”

And now I’m surrounded by these stupid fluffy trees called Bradford Pears and they’re all trying to kill me at the same time. I am so allergic to those trees that they should be illegal. And they don’t even produce pears. And I’m sure the guy they’re named after was an asshole.

LOOK at all that pollen! Do you see what he's doing to us???

I know, it’s kind of sad how worked up I can get over a member of the plant kingdom, but the trees really are trying to kill me. My eyes water so badly that my contact lenses slide right out and run down my cheeks. I’m producing more snot than an entire kindergarten class. I’m coughing and sneezing and during those magical moments when I happen to cough and sneeze at the same time, I also end up peeing myself. If I knew where The Lorax lived I would cut him.

To make matters worse, there’s no medical treatment for being this allergic to something and that only makes me want to punch the lady from the Claritin commercials for being Claritin-clear. The only thing that halfway brings any relief is drinking Nyquil straight from the bottle and washing it down with undiluted Jack Daniels. The store didn’t have any cherry Nyquil, so I had to get the antifreeze-flavored Nyquil instead. It’s all kind of put me in a mood, if you couldn’t already tell. I’ll feel better when the little flowers fall off the trees or once that Lorax opens the package I mailed him.

11 thoughts on “I’m Taking Out a Mob Hit on The Lorax

  1. Apparently we have these in Australia but I’ve never seen one. I had to Google it to a) find out what it looked like and b) learn if they’re even here. I found two nurseries that stock them and one of them is 4000kms away from me, the other 1000kms away. So, you know, you could always relocate 😉

    Can I have a permanmenty dispensation from feeling bad for laughing at your misfortunes? Because everytime I come here I laugh at you and saying sorry is getting tedious 😉

  2. We moved here in March from a totally frozen north to a blossom covered south. It was magical–until the allergies hit about three days later. Forget marijuana, I think its Bradford Pears that should be outlawed! At least weed doesn’t affect me unless I seek it out. These things attack you in your sleep. The only consolation is that they only bloom for a month.

  3. This post is so funny (unfortunately at your expense though). Another funny thing,,, I wanted to see what a Bradford Pear tree looked like, so I Googled it in Google images. Your Lorax picture was the first image that came up. I wanted to attach the screen shot here to show you but don’t see how I can attach – I guess I’ll visit your FB and show it to you there.

    I hope you feel better!

  4. My wife and I live with running eyes, blocked-up sinuses etc. all the time and we don’t know what’s causing it. Sometimes I think we might be allergic to one another! You’re lucky, Lorca. At least you know what you’re allergic to.

    Never liked Dr Suess. He creeps me out. I like Raul Dahl a lot better.

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