Horses, Dead People, and Smelly Nerds…Oh My!

Sure, they look harmless. They're actually Googling "how to meet a sexy MILF for fun and profit."

I’m not really sure why I write this blog, but I am fairly certain that if I didn’t write this blog and these stupid thoughts didn’t get out of my head, I would hurt something in a monumental way, and maybe even hurt a monument in a monumental way. I could easily break something off of Mt. Rushmore if I didn’t write, so by you reading this crap you are actually helping to preserve our American heritage. And by my giving you something to write about so you can read it and save history, I’m really enabling you to be a hero. You’re welcome.

And since I really do want to help you save America by reading my blog, I did some research into what hoop-jumping steps people are willing to go through in order to find this site. Research might be a strong word, it’s more like I clicked on the Summary button on my dashboard. But I read the Summary. That’s important, right?

I probably shouldn’t have looked up the Summary because as it turns out, an alarming number of people found my blog by Googling “smelly nerds.” I don’t ever remember writing about geeks with body odor, and I’m sure if I had written about that Klout would have instantly made me influential about body odor, but more than 250 people searched for smelly nerds on the internet and found my blog. I’m both curious and scared that so many people were even looking for smelly nerds and apparently they want to hook up with smelly nerds that they meet online. Leave me out of it, guys.

Other top searches included horse (108 hits), horse run, horses eating grass, eating a horse, and an unrelated search, raping a cow. I do specifically remember blogging about eating a horse, but the rest of that stuff is Greek to me. There were a lot of searches for condoms that brought people to the fun that is my brain, as well as a lot of zombie searches and crotch shot detectives.

I would like to say to the no-doubt saintly woman who had to Google “my husband pees on stuff,” I hope the search brought her to my blog post about the cool ways to kill my husband.

Now that I know what my reading audience likes to hear about, do expect a lot more blog posts about horses and body odor and possibly a combination post or two about horse body odor. My vivid descriptions of the smell coming off of zombie horse crotches could very well save the Statue of Liberty.

Zombies: Friend or Foe?

I know what you’re thinking. “Here we go, ANOTHER post about the zombie trend.” Way to judge the book by its cover. Or the blog post by its cover. I mean, title. Just keep reading.

Like many of you, I’m a little tired of zombies. ‘Course, I was tired of them after the third reference to the zombie apocalypse. It felt so forced. First we had the vampire craze, but I kind of got that because people have thought vampires were sexy ever since Bela Lugosi fanged his way into Hollywood (we especially like vampires with receding hairlines and incomprehensible accents). Then the werewolves came along, thanks to one particularly bad series of teen heartthrob movies that shall remain nameless.

And just like all things American, once we got tired of the shiny (or fangy/furry) new toy, we went on to the next big thing. Zombies. Or functionally deceased, as they apparently prefer to be called. You couldn’t swing an undead cat without hitting some reference to the coming zombie apocalypse. Don’t believe me? Check out the CDC’s guidelines on being prepared for the zombie uprising. Wish I was kidding there.

And while all of the crowd-followers were peppering their daily conversations with zombie references, nobody even gave a second thought to how these monstrosities are going to affect our daily lives. As if the economy isn’t in bad enough shape, people want to go bringing extra mouths to feed into it? Zombies had the courtesy to die off once and make room in the population, and society wants to bring them back? That is going to shatter our unemployment rate.

Our schools are already over-crowded, but now we supposedly need undead children taking up more space. And since they are technically not living, I’m willing to bet the government is going to consider zombie babies to not be actual members of the student body, meaning there will be no hiring of additional teachers to handle the overload.

And where are the environmentalists who should be protesting on this issue? Not only are the zombies going to add to the carbon footprint (those things are slow movers…they’re going to have to drive to the ends of their own driveways, just to get the mail), the methane given off by hordes of rotting undead corpses is going to blow our greenhouse effect into epic proportions. And now that these creatures are not in the ground where we left them, effectively fertilizing the soil, our plant life is going to go down the drain.

If there has to be an upside to zombie invasion, there are some potential benefits if we take full advantage. The real estate market could benefit, since these things will have to live somewhere. And if we could put the undead to good use in our law enforcement and criminal justice areas, it could result in a drop in the crime rate. If we could just convince the fashion industry that zombies already don’t eat and don’t need to be paid much, we could potentially see the end of those supermodels. (I’ve already thought of that…we can’t feed the supermodels to the zombies because the undead apparently subsist on brains. Ditto Congressmen as a food source.)

The truly alarming thing about the trend is if we will willingly embrace rotting monsters as the next It Girl, it kind of makes me fear what we’re going to glorify next. Aliens? Sea Serpents? Republicans? I shudder to think.