horses

WTF? It’s the Weekend.

ME Overly simple thoughts , , , ,

Sure, it’s Saturday, so I was going to be as lazy as humanly possible with this post. I was just going to repost a bunch of pictures I found on the internet and call it a day. Only since I’m such a giver, I got really sucked into researching this topic and had to have professional help to get me back out of the dark hole I had plunged into.

It has long been one of the mysteries of the Universe that people find my blog by mistake after searching for horse stuff on Google. No one knows why. I never write about horses. In fact, I’ve written exactly ONE horse post ever, and even that one was only in response to the crazy numbers of people who search for horses, only to be blindly led by metadata to my website. But the horsieness goes on, thanks to the SEO mysteries of online search capabilities.

So today, here is another gift for all of my raging horse fans out there. A SECOND post about horses, complete with pictures I took off the internet because I wanted to be lazy.

Photo Number One: People who want to see this photo are welcome to come to my blog any time. It’s just funny. Not the picture itself, oh no. The fact that someone bought all that stuff and thought to himself, “You know what would be AWESOME? If I could get the HORSE to wear it!” Think it through…someone patiently bribed that horse to stand still for this. Probably with horse-crack.

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Photo Number Two: This photo is for the people that I’m actually afraid are searching for horses and coming to my blog. Yes, the secret data that website owners have access to shows me exactly what people type on Google when they end up here. It would scar for you life. As does this picture. Yup, that is an S&M costume for people who like to dress up as horses and then have sex. Presumably with other people, but possibly with other horses, although I have to say I don’t think that outfit is going to fool anyone, human or horse. This costume is actually quite famous. I saw it on Law & Order:SVU.

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Photo Number Three: Still with the possibility that this is a famous horses photo, only this guy was on Dateline NBC with Chris Hansen. You know he dresses that horse up in a pink tarp to lure small children into his molester van.

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Photo Number Four: This last one just makes me sad. For the horse. It even looks humiliated, like it took this gig to pay the bills while he was a struggling actor and now it surfaces from time to time thanks to paparazzi who blackmail him.

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There you go, Universe. I have now provided you with all the justification you need to type “latex horsey sex” into your search engine and come to my blog. I would love to say that you’re the weirdo in this relationship, but I do write about manatees with rabies and Olympic curling and phone sex credit card operators. You’ll fit right in.

If the cops ever find this on my computer, I'm going to jail.
If the cops ever find this on my computer, I’m going to jail.

Horses, Dead People, and Smelly Nerds…Oh My!

ME Overly simple thoughts , , ,
Sure, they look harmless. They're actually Googling "how to meet a sexy MILF for fun and profit."

I’m not really sure why I write this blog, but I am fairly certain that if I didn’t write this blog and these stupid thoughts didn’t get out of my head, I would hurt something in a monumental way, and maybe even hurt a monument in a monumental way. I could easily break something off of Mt. Rushmore if I didn’t write, so by you reading this crap you are actually helping to preserve our American heritage. And by my giving you something to write about so you can read it and save history, I’m really enabling you to be a hero. You’re welcome.

And since I really do want to help you save America by reading my blog, I did some research into what hoop-jumping steps people are willing to go through in order to find this site. Research might be a strong word, it’s more like I clicked on the Summary button on my dashboard. But I read the Summary. That’s important, right?

I probably shouldn’t have looked up the Summary because as it turns out, an alarming number of people found my blog by Googling “smelly nerds.” I don’t ever remember writing about geeks with body odor, and I’m sure if I had written about that Klout would have instantly made me influential about body odor, but more than 250 people searched for smelly nerds on the internet and found my blog. I’m both curious and scared that so many people were even looking for smelly nerds and apparently they want to hook up with smelly nerds that they meet online. Leave me out of it, guys.

Other top searches included horse (108 hits), horse run, horses eating grass, eating a horse, and an unrelated search, raping a cow. I do specifically remember blogging about eating a horse, but the rest of that stuff is Greek to me. There were a lot of searches for condoms that brought people to the fun that is my brain, as well as a lot of zombie searches and crotch shot detectives.

I would like to say to the no-doubt saintly woman who had to Google “my husband pees on stuff,” I hope the search brought her to my blog post about the cool ways to kill my husband.

Now that I know what my reading audience likes to hear about, do expect a lot more blog posts about horses and body odor and possibly a combination post or two about horse body odor. My vivid descriptions of the smell coming off of zombie horse crotches could very well save the Statue of Liberty.