Raping and Pillaging Are Not Résumé Skills

Actual conversation with my autistic child that sucked five minutes of my life out of my body and ate a small piece of my soul.

DAUGHTER: I want to be a Viking when I grow up.

ME: That’s…um… really, really cool!

DAUGHTER: I have to wear a helmet.

ME: Well of course you do! What kind of Viking goes around hitting her head on stuff and getting knocked out because she forgot her helmet? Sheesh!

DAUGHTER: And I have to sing sea shanties.

ME: I think that’s a pirate. You would have to be a pirate to do that.

DAUGHTER: I will sing Viking songs instead.

ME: There you go. Good old fashioned “It’s great to be a Viking” songs.

DAUGHTER: And I need a boat with lots of rowers.

ME: Me too, pumpkin.

DAUGHTER: And I have to kill your whole village and take all your sheep.

ME: Huh?

DAUGHTER: The streets will flow with the blood of our victims.

ME: I’m sorry, what?

DAUGHTER: That’s what Vikings have to say.

ME: No, no, Vikings can say things like, “Here, we have extra sheep in our village that we’re not using, why don’t you take some of ours?”

DAUGHTER: No. The Vikings have to say, “You have to give me all your crops.”

ME: Or…OR…you could be the other kind of Vikings. The ones who got tired of pillaging and therefore immigrated to Minnesota. They still get to wear the helmet, but they pay their taxes instead of stealing sheep. They also go to college and become accountants and stuff like that.

DAUGHTER: Do they still carry their swords and wear their helmets?

ME: Only on casual Fridays.

DAUGHTER: Do they get to steal anything?

ME: It depends on what kind of accountant they are.

DAUGHTER: Do people cower in fear when hordes of Minnesota Vikings come into their cities and villages?

ME: (God forgive me) All the time! They even have these giant arenas where the Vikings take on the weaker underlings just for fun and crowds of people spend a whole Sunday afternoon just to watch.

DAUGHTER: Okay.

I now rue the day I convinced my daughter she couldn’t be a mouse when she grows up.

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27 thoughts on “Raping and Pillaging Are Not Résumé Skills

  1. […] Raping and Pillaging Are Not Résumé Skills (lorcadamon.com) Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged Arts, Dance, English, Folk, sailors, sea, sea shanties, Sea shanty, Shanties and Sailor Songs by Beth. Bookmark the permalink. […]

  2. lol Just make sure you tell her about the retirement benefits first! She is so cute though. Mine are 10, 10 & 6… they have sadly moved past this stage. Well, the twins have anyway. My 6 yr old has decided she wants to be a vet. Why? Because she likes to help animals but all the people are bootie heads so they can just get run over by a car… like they did the dog across the street. Seriously.

    • Sadly, as I watch more election and campaign coverage, I’m becoming convinced that all the people are bootie heads and should be run over by cars. Do I get to give her a list of names? Names that rhyme with Hush Pimbaugh?

  3. This reminds me of the time my three year old said she wanted to be a witch when she grew up . . . at least, at least your daughter has the historical aspects of it down pat you know? I’m sure it’s a phase she’ll grow out of. I mean, my daughter wants to be a chef, a “female” chef.

    • Funny! Wait, my daughter doesn’t realize that the Viking females stayed home and butchered whatever the pillaging hordes brought back. I think she believes Viking raids were a whole lot more fun than they actually were.

  4. So, I now have to hold myself back in order NOT to comment but I just couldn’t help myself! OMGeee. That is the cutest pic. I want a baby Viking now. Where can I find one? I live all the way out on the west coast so Minnesota’s sort of a trek. Any suggestions?

  5. Ah, your child would make a great viking (I know, that doesn’t help anything, but as a northman myself, I appreciate the thought).

    Very amusing stuff, thank you for sharing this with us!

    • Thank you! I can now share it with my miniViking that I have it on Viking authority that she doesn’t actually have to kill anyone to be a Viking. I’m so excited!

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