My Future Self is Kind of a Snot

Thanks to either a wormhole in the space-time continuum or an abundance of black Toyotas in my town, I keep seeing myself driving places. It’s really eerie, then it becomes cool when you overthink it.

Every once in a while, I’ll see someone driving off in my car. My instinct is to chase them down while calling the police, but the only problem is when I think I see these people driving off in my car, I’m actually driving my car at the time. It’s a very unsettling, Dr. Who-ey feeling.

My twelve-year-old and I decided that the only logical explanation (and the only way to avoid looking like a total dipshidiot when you scream, “Stop! That guy stole my car!” from inside your own vehicle) is that the people driving off in our car are actually…(prepare yourself for this)…us.

Yes, my friends, thanks to my ability to time travel from the future, I have managed to see myself from the future and let me tell you, the future is looking pretty good. Apparently, I’m blonde in the future, and really skinny. I’m also a man. But we don’t have to talk about that.

I am a little bit upset that in the future I’ve become a total bitch who cuts people off in traffic, and I don’t wave. On one hapless time-line-bumping-into, I actually watched myself honk at an elderly person who was crossing the street. I pretended not to know myself at that moment, and refused to make eye contact to let myself know that I do not approve of my behavior.

On the plus side, future me listens to some rockin’ tunes while driving around in my car, and I also have a really outdoorsy-looking kayak carrier on top of my car. Either I plan to take up kayaking, or I’m a hopeless granola poser.

The most important thing I can do now is be sure not to accidentally get in a car wreck with my future self. That would be both awkward and possibly alarming, for everyone involved. And I’m pretty sure the consequences would wipe out several major species in the future. I’m already a snotty car thief, I don’t need animal killer hanging over my head, too.


Gay Time Traveling Puppies Are Running for Public Office. And They Have Rabies.

Forget my influentialness for a minute...THIS photo is now indelibly burned somewhere on my hard drive just so I could make you laugh. I hope you're worthy.
Forget my influentialness for a minute…THIS photo is now indelibly burned somewhere on my hard drive just so I could make you laugh. I hope you’re worthy.

I thank the social media gods every day for the engineering school drop outs who left college to start a multi-bazillion dollar company called Klout. It’s the most awesome source of humor fodder I can find. Today’s surprise was the notification I received that Klout had decided I am influential about seventeen topics, the newest of which is puppies.

I can add puppies to a lofty list of my expert topics that includes LGBT, Time Travel, Rabies, Politicians, Mustard, and Terrorism.

The amazing thing about this is I don’t have to actually know anything about any of those topics, I just have to tell you that I do. And that makes me influential. It’s now time to write a blog post about Republicans strapping bombs to mustard-covered rabid dogs and setting them loose on an unsuspecting public. Oh, and the Republicans are gay. Or maybe the dogs are gay. I’m not real clear on that part.

Either way, half the battle is knowing the limits of the scope of my knowledge and influence. Apparently, there is no limit. I can be influential about anything I want. Stay tuned for my next newsworthy post.

IN UNRELATED NEWS: I’m headed to Orlando tomorrow so I won’t be posting over the weekend. You’re welcome. Take these few days to reflect on your own life and enjoy the quiet that comes from me not showing you a picture of a dog wearing a cape made out of condoms.

If I Had Brain Powers, You’d Be Covered in Honey Mustard Right Now

I just launched this whole Twitter campaign to make myself influential about time travel on Klout. It’s really not for any real reason other than boredom and to see if I could do it. I basically just have to tweet about time travel a lot and then bribe other people into retweeting my pointless tweets. I don’t really know anything about time travel, so I’ve just been typing “time travel” over and over again and sending that out. My time would probably be better spent reading a book to orphans or exercising injured puppies instead of trying to manipulate the internet.

I don’t really care all that much about time travel, but of course it would be neat to be able to do it. Once. I bet when they invent time travel you’re going to have to book your trip way in advance and then spend hours in line at time travel’s version of TSA just to board. You know they’re gonna make all kinds of regulations about how you can’t go back in time and avoid the line at the time travel security check-point.

Even though I really have no desire to bounce around the space-time continuum (wow, two U’s in that word), there are some other really out-there sci-fi things that would be neat. Like brain powers. Being able to control stuff with my mind would be awesome. Dinner would prepare itself, parking spots at Walmart would just appear, whole governments would topple. Wait, I don’t think I can be trusted with that last one.

Sure, I look harmless. But I'm actually controlling you with my brain. See how my eyes are ALL PUPIL? Like the bad guy in that movie? Yeah, I'm like him.

Unfortunately, if I had any kind of mental manipulation powers at my disposal I would be a total bitch. You so much as forget to hold the door for the person behind you and I’m gonna make your coffee cup crack open like a faulty dam and ruin your shirt. Ketchup packets will explode all over people who are rude to their waitresses and people who road rage on other drivers will die upside down in a Toyota fireball when all four of their tires pop at the same time, sending them careening off the interstate.

I really suck at keeping secrets, though, so I’ll be the one walking up to my victims and saying, “Didja see that? That was totally me. I did that! Wanna see me do it again? Watch this.”

If my brain was useful for anything other than the occasional multiplication problem or reading the directions on the box of Hamburger Helper, I would be unstoppable. And probably in jail. A special jail cell that they had to build just to contain my awesomeness. It would have to be made out of something I couldn’t move with my brain powers, like algebra. But if they ever get time travel down to a tourist industry, I would be totally out of there.