My Future Self is Kind of a Snot

Thanks to either a wormhole in the space-time continuum or an abundance of black Toyotas in my town, I keep seeing myself driving places. It’s really eerie, then it becomes cool when you overthink it.

Every once in a while, I’ll see someone driving off in my car. My instinct is to chase them down while calling the police, but the only problem is when I think I see these people driving off in my car, I’m actually driving my car at the time. It’s a very unsettling, Dr. Who-ey feeling.

My twelve-year-old and I decided that the only logical explanation (and the only way to avoid looking like a total dipshidiot when you scream, “Stop! That guy stole my car!” from inside your own vehicle) is that the people driving off in our car are actually…(prepare yourself for this)…us.

Yes, my friends, thanks to my ability to time travel from the future, I have managed to see myself from the future and let me tell you, the future is looking pretty good. Apparently, I’m blonde in the future, and really skinny. I’m also a man. But we don’t have to talk about that.

I am a little bit upset that in the future I’ve become a total bitch who cuts people off in traffic, and I don’t wave. On one hapless time-line-bumping-into, I actually watched myself honk at an elderly person who was crossing the street. I pretended not to know myself at that moment, and refused to make eye contact to let myself know that I do not approve of my behavior.

On the plus side, future me listens to some rockin’ tunes while driving around in my car, and I also have a really outdoorsy-looking kayak carrier on top of my car. Either I plan to take up kayaking, or I’m a hopeless granola poser.

The most important thing I can do now is be sure not to accidentally get in a car wreck with my future self. That would be both awkward and possibly alarming, for everyone involved. And I’m pretty sure the consequences would wipe out several major species in the future. I’m already a snotty car thief, I don’t need animal killer hanging over my head, too.


16 thoughts on “My Future Self is Kind of a Snot

  1. If you get into an accident with yourself, each of your selves will need a doctor, and that would be a pair-o’-docs!

  2. dipshidiot: Oh my! what a deliciously descriptive new word to enter the lexicon of daily usage How can one person be such a wreck and yet so brilliant at the same time Missy you are a marvel

  3. Um, Lorca, dear. I think you might need to lay down. There you go. Everything is going to be okay. There’s nothing to worry about here. We’re all friends… You look a bit cold. I have a jacket for you that’s going to keep you really warm. It has lots of belts and snaps to keep the warmth inside. Here you go. There, that’s it. Now, in a little bit we’re going to go for a short drive. I’ll go with you. There’s nothing to worry about. Everything’s going to be just fine…


    • Holy shit! I can see myself driving my car through the windows of this awesome van we’re riding in! Pull over! No, stop, I’m getting away! Chase me! Chase me! I can prove that this is real!

  4. I absolutely loved this post with all my heart! And yes, I find the same is true of blue Corollas….or any blue car really. Just yesterday, I found myself in the parking lot at work wondering why I couldn’t get into my car. Turns out that car (which was blue) had taken my normal parking spot. I was parked two spots over.

Surely you have something to say about this...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s