If I Had Brain Powers, You’d Be Covered in Honey Mustard Right Now

I just launched this whole Twitter campaign to make myself influential about time travel on Klout. It’s really not for any real reason other than boredom and to see if I could do it. I basically just have to tweet about time travel a lot and then bribe other people into retweeting my pointless tweets. I don’t really know anything about time travel, so I’ve just been typing “time travel” over and over again and sending that out. My time would probably be better spent reading a book to orphans or exercising injured puppies instead of trying to manipulate the internet.

I don’t really care all that much about time travel, but of course it would be neat to be able to do it. Once. I bet when they invent time travel you’re going to have to book your trip way in advance and then spend hours in line at time travel’s version of TSA just to board. You know they’re gonna make all kinds of regulations about how you can’t go back in time and avoid the line at the time travel security check-point.

Even though I really have no desire to bounce around the space-time continuum (wow, two U’s in that word), there are some other really out-there sci-fi things that would be neat. Like brain powers. Being able to control stuff with my mind would be awesome. Dinner would prepare itself, parking spots at Walmart would just appear, whole governments would topple. Wait, I don’t think I can be trusted with that last one.

Sure, I look harmless. But I'm actually controlling you with my brain. See how my eyes are ALL PUPIL? Like the bad guy in that movie? Yeah, I'm like him.

Unfortunately, if I had any kind of mental manipulation powers at my disposal I would be a total bitch. You so much as forget to hold the door for the person behind you and I’m gonna make your coffee cup crack open like a faulty dam and ruin your shirt. Ketchup packets will explode all over people who are rude to their waitresses and people who road rage on other drivers will die upside down in a Toyota fireball when all four of their tires pop at the same time, sending them careening off the interstate.

I really suck at keeping secrets, though, so I’ll be the one walking up to my victims and saying, “Didja see that? That was totally me. I did that! Wanna see me do it again? Watch this.”

If my brain was useful for anything other than the occasional multiplication problem or reading the directions on the box of Hamburger Helper, I would be unstoppable. And probably in jail. A special jail cell that they had to build just to contain my awesomeness. It would have to be made out of something I couldn’t move with my brain powers, like algebra. But if they ever get time travel down to a tourist industry, I would be totally out of there.

12 thoughts on “If I Had Brain Powers, You’d Be Covered in Honey Mustard Right Now

  1. I tried this with Hoover Dam, since it is the only thing I’ve written about for two years, and after several months, I got Klout in Amsterdam. I do at least now have the Great Depression, but I think that may refer to my mental state. Time Travel. Got it. Will RT as much as possible.

  2. If I could time travel I’d go back to the day I first discovered cookies and tell myself to say away. Then I’d tell myself to buy stock in Google when it was still really cheap. And then I’d play the lottery with the numbers I memorized for the next day’s drawing. Oh, and then I’d come back and buy a shit load of cookies, because what else am I gonna do with all that money? I can afford personal trainers now!

    • That is the best plan ever. I also need to go back in time and marry well. Sorry, honey, but Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, or you…sigh, of course I’d still choose you.

  3. Hmmm… if you had brain powers that would let you earn or “procure” billions of dollars per year you would still be shopping at Walmart. At least you won’t have let all of that power go to your head.

    • I never said I would be GOOD at using the powers, just that I want to have them. Obviously, calculating the potential income is already a brain power I don’t have!

      • I would use my brain powers to make all the politicians mute until three weeks before the election! People would pay me for that one. I would be rich….rich I tell you..As rich as the Koch brothers, as rich as a lobbiest for the pharmaceutical industry….

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