How to Avoid the Election

Don’t get pissy, I’m planning to vote. But I hate the elections. I hate hearing about it, talking about, being interrupted during my cartoons about it, thinking about it, reading about it, and pretty much anything else election-related. So here is a list of things I will be thinking about all day today (except for the three minutes it’s going to take me to vote):

1) There was apparently a Big Foot sighting over the weekend. Oddly, it turned out to be a bear in Big Foot drag. Who are we to judge this bear’s sexual role play fantasies? And yet, someone video taped the whole thing.

2) There is a coffee that costs about $50 a pound, and it’s made from beans that are pooped out by a monkey. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.

3) It just so happened that a dingo has now eaten an American baby, so they’re branching out somehow. I’m declaring this the Dingo Apocalypse.

4) A teenager in Washington state has been getting death threats because he punched an octopus.

5) There can be as many as 50,000 spiders in a single acre of grass, but that’s okay because tarantulas can survive for two years without eating.

6) In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone’s ear while they’re moose hunting.

7) We share 98.4% of our DNA with a chimp, but don’t get excited because we also share 70% of our DNA with a slug.

8) It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear. Mind blowing, I tell ya.

9) Ancient Egyptians used crocodile poo as a form of birth control. I will not share with you how they used it, or why I had to look that up.

10) Dr. Seuss invented the word “nerd,” but he was probably the least nerdy person ever born since his first career was writing military propaganda.

There you have it, ten things to ponder all day long. I hope it carries you all the way through the live minute-by-minute coverage of every vote cast.

It’s Time for Some Poll Dancing

I am so sick of the elections that I’m ready to jump on any bandwagon that involves having no form of government whatsoever. So what if we’ll need to stock up on ammo and heavy artillery to survive in the anarchy? At least I can quit getting updates from HuffPo on which candidate has a smoother complexion and therefore is ahead in the polls.

After all, polls might be some kind of indicator of how the election is going to go, but as Americans we are a fickle people who like to grab the shiniest thing in the drawer. That means we really don’t know how it’s gonna go down until the fire actually starts.

So instead, I would like to ask all of my readers to answer the following polls about things that actually matter in life.






Just remember, America, it’s not too late. There’s still time to make a good choice, and with enough effort and campaigning we can get the entire human race to declare the eggnog tastes like something a buzzard would puke up.

Apparently, This Is An Election Year. I’m Running for Coroner.

It doesn't really look like it, but these two are probably dead. Maybe. I don't know.

I’ve said it before, I’m not really up on current events. I try to pay attention if some whole region of a small country was wiped out by a killer storm and I really do try to make sure I know just a teensy bit about the newest bacteria that’s going to destroy us all if we catch it from touching the handle of a shopping cart.

One flaw in my personality that I really do not feel bad about is politics. I am vaguely aware that we have a President. I know his name, I know his wife is a lovely woman who’s been ripped apart for trying to get kids to exercise. I know he has two kids but I couldn’t pick their faces out in a crowded elevator, a fact that in my mind already makes the Obamas Parents of the Year. That’s pretty much the extent of my knowledge on politics because I Just. Don’t. Care. Most of our government is controlled by a network of people who spend millions of dollars to snag a job that pays less than $500,000 a year, which right off the bat tells you something is going on.

But here in my hometown, there is one campaign that I watch eagerly every election year by following the candidates’ platforms and listening for any hint of scandal from their respective war rooms. It’s the coroner.

Yes, we still elect our coroners in this state. I don’t know, maybe your state does, too. But little known fact about my state (and maybe your state)…YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A DOCTOR TO BE THE CORONER.

Yup. Probably stemming from a shortage of doctors that were less than a two-day horse ride away, but you don’t have to be the doctor to legally declare someone dead. And that, my friends, keeps me awake at night. What if some backhoe driver wins the election and declares me prematurely dead just because they’re having a little trouble waking me up? What if I’m in a car wreck and the coroner is actually a pizza delivery guy and he tells them, “Bag her up. She’s a goner.”

My real concern is the fact that a lot of would-be coroneratorial candidates are actually funeral home owners, which on the surface would make sense. They see a lot of dead people, and not just in the creepy way like that kid in the movie. But doesn’t anyone else see the conflict of interest here? THESE PEOPLE MAKE MONEY OFF OF DEAD PEOPLE. We don’t need them drumming up business by being called to the scene to declare someone dead. They’ll be calling the time of death from across the Walmart parking lot, just to pay off their kids’ braces.

That’s why I’m running for coroner on the Let’s Not Be Too Hasty platform. I’m so squeamish it will takes days for me to declare you dead, because I’m going to wait until you start to smell and flies hover around you before I’m willing to get close enough to check. I’ll just sit way over here and if you haven’t moved (and your left eyeball falls out from the decay), I’ll know. I wonder how much coroners get paid.