How to Avoid the Election

Don’t get pissy, I’m planning to vote. But I hate the elections. I hate hearing about it, talking about, being interrupted during my cartoons about it, thinking about it, reading about it, and pretty much anything else election-related. So here is a list of things I will be thinking about all day today (except for the three minutes it’s going to take me to vote):

1) There was apparently a Big Foot sighting over the weekend. Oddly, it turned out to be a bear in Big Foot drag. Who are we to judge this bear’s sexual role play fantasies? And yet, someone video taped the whole thing.

2) There is a coffee that costs about $50 a pound, and it’s made from beans that are pooped out by a monkey. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.

3) It just so happened that a dingo has now eaten an American baby, so they’re branching out somehow. I’m declaring this the Dingo Apocalypse.

4) A teenager in Washington state has been getting death threats because he punched an octopus.

5) There can be as many as 50,000 spiders in a single acre of grass, but that’s okay because tarantulas can survive for two years without eating.

6) In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone’s ear while they’re moose hunting.

7) We share 98.4% of our DNA with a chimp, but don’t get excited because we also share 70% of our DNA with a slug.

8) It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear. Mind blowing, I tell ya.

9) Ancient Egyptians used crocodile poo as a form of birth control. I will not share with you how they used it, or why I had to look that up.

10) Dr. Seuss invented the word “nerd,” but he was probably the least nerdy person ever born since his first career was writing military propaganda.

There you have it, ten things to ponder all day long. I hope it carries you all the way through the live minute-by-minute coverage of every vote cast.

12 thoughts on “How to Avoid the Election

  1. Are you sure it was a bear in drag? I couldn’t tell… I have never hated an election year the way I’ve hated this election year. And yes, I voted.

  2. I’m stuck on #6. But I totally get the octupus-punching boy’s death threats! LOL. πŸ™‚ From me, in WA State where we hold up signs for the tree-climbing octupus. The read, Save Us, Suckers!

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