I’m Getting A Trapper Keeper Full of Men

I kept the TV off last night in case I would accidentally see a smidgeon of the debates, but I finally had to turn off my computer and go to bed because even Twitter and Facebook were bombarded with people making HILARIOUS comments on the debates, and I just can’t stand it when anyone is funnier than me on a public forum. But then the phrase “binder full of women” made its way out into the world and there was simply no turning back. I hope Romney will be known for all time as the Binder Man, just as George Bush the First has been immortalized with his Thousand Points of Light.

I’m not at all worried that Romney organizes his women in a giant binder. It’s probably just a Mormon thing, because you know how they are about genealogy. Plus, in this climate of obvious gender equality, it means I’m getting a Trapper Keeper full of men. No, Trapper Keeper is not a new euphemism for vagina.

In other news, you, my lovely international audience of poll voters, have spoken. The results are in. You believe strychnine is the worst flavor out there.

I was a little alarmed by the results of my last post’s polls. There were only five questions, people, couldn’t you take it seriously? Really? Strychnine is the flavor you want LEAST? Have you not suffered through pumpkin-flavored COFFEE?

I was actually pretty pleased to find out that most of you are treating your daily illnesses with voodoo. I’m all for faith-based initiatives, after all, and that’s just like a religious health clinic. We don’t need health insurance for all in this country, we just need more voodoo priestesses to wave dead chicken heads over our tumors.

We’re not going to talk about the fact that the debates prevent pregnancy, but in fairness to you, I can’t look at Obama, Romney, Biden, or Ryan and THEN think, “Yeah, I think I’ll go in there and put on somethin’ sexy!”

It was very interesting that MOST of you feel that your candidate is not going to win the White House next month. That’s good, especially since prior to last night’s debate Obama and Romney were considered nearly neck-and-neck. It just means that Washington has finally won, and Americans no longer have any hope.

It’s Time for Some Poll Dancing

I am so sick of the elections that I’m ready to jump on any bandwagon that involves having no form of government whatsoever. So what if we’ll need to stock up on ammo and heavy artillery to survive in the anarchy? At least I can quit getting updates from HuffPo on which candidate has a smoother complexion and therefore is ahead in the polls.

After all, polls might be some kind of indicator of how the election is going to go, but as Americans we are a fickle people who like to grab the shiniest thing in the drawer. That means we really don’t know how it’s gonna go down until the fire actually starts.

So instead, I would like to ask all of my readers to answer the following polls about things that actually matter in life.

 

 

 

 

 

Just remember, America, it’s not too late. There’s still time to make a good choice, and with enough effort and campaigning we can get the entire human race to declare the eggnog tastes like something a buzzard would puke up.