I Am NOT Anal Retentive, I’m Just A Bitch

First of all, thanks for waiting around for me to remember that I have a blog and write something new on it. I didn’t actually forget to write a post, I just didn’t care enough to write a post. Last week’s whirlwind trip to NY for work was a confusing blur of rubber galoshes and Irish bars. With work thrown in just to keep it real.

I got home from NY very brain-fried and tired, only to discover that my husband had done THIS to our kitchen while I was gone.


Yeah. Stare at it for a while and let it break your heart, too. What? You don’t see the problem? Keep looking.


(UNRELATED NOTE: I learned over the weekend that those three little question marks in a row are called an “interrobang.” Well, it’s only three question marks if you’re an angry 13-year-old girl. In grownup land, it’s actually just one question mark followed by one exclamation point. But isn’t interrobang the greatest word? It’s going to be the name of my new band, if I ever start a band or learn to play an instrument.)

But oh my gosh he changed the microwave! Yes, ours had broken, per my last post about blue flames bouncing around inside of it whenever I turned it on, but he bought mismatched LED displays! Does the man know nothing about aesthetics or about what’s it’s like to live with a crazy person? Despite my gratitude at the great difficulty he went to in order to install that behemoth of an appliance (we’re going to ignore the pillow that he suspiciously set on fire during the installation process…even though it was my pillow), I simply cannot use mismatched appliances. Since I would never dream of asking him to undo all that work and take that very heavy thing back to the store, I’m going to need him to either buy a new stove to match it, or stop eating since I won’t be cooking with either of the mismatched appliances.

38 responses

  1. Does your site have a contact page? I’m having a tough time locating it but, I’d like to send you an e-mail.

    I’ve got some creative ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it develop over time.

    1. Not so much a contact page, but the info is in the About. thanks!

  2. Does your site have a contact page? I’m having trouble locating it but, I’d like to send you an e-mail.
    I’ve got some suggestions for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great site and I look forward to seeing it develop over time.

  3. Richard L Wiseman | Reply

    Does that mean that this !!! is an exclamobong? As for the microwave I suggest you have surgery to remove the ‘cones’in your eyes that way you wouldn’t see colour. Anyway the numbers aren’t actually blue, they just appear to be blue because your brain interprets that wavelength of light as blue; therefore if you have the light interpreting part of your brain removed then you wouldn’t see the blue, or any other colour. Simple!!! (Exclamobong).

    1. That does actually sound like it would be cheaper and less work than replacing the microwave.

  4. […] You’re the best. Sadly, even though all of you agree with me about my home repair crisis, my husband doesn’t think you’re special at all and he refuses to uninstall the new […]

  5. I totally get it. I’m not the one that would be bugged by it, but I have a husband and son that sure would be. I did learn a new word today. “interrobang” It sounds like it should have a really dirty definition though. :D

  6. Why is it I can call you a bitch and it’s a compliment but if I drop that word on the four women I live with, who tell me I use our appliances wrong while they sit on the couch eating grapes like Cleopatras, they’d cut me in my sleep?

    I should comment more. This place is funny and smart.

    1. It’s all in the timing, my friend. It would also help immensely if you were gay. Somehow, being called a bitch by a gay man is a compliment, but my husband will find himself staring out of his own belly button after I shove his head up his ass if he EVER were to call me that. I know, it’s totally not fair.

  7. I am not going to add to the comment thread here as it seems i MAY BE OUTNUMBERED by the opposite sex, Oh wait that mirrors my life in reality.. and in our house the kitchen and the appliances are MINE if Ishbel messes with them she can kiss goodbye to my millions when I die …..

    1. I’m perfectly fine with the appliances belonging to my husband as long as a) he uses them to cook or b) ALL the appliances belong to him and therefore he must be the one to use them. This includes the dish washer, washing machine, dryer, et al.

      1. You mean hubby doesn’t cook or do the washing up! How does he get out of that …

        1. By being incredible in bed. No wait, I couldn’t finish typing that without peeing myself laughing.

  8. I get this. I want to give you a hug but I think an appreciative nod from afar is enough.

    (FYI, an interrobang is the question mark-exclamation point combination “‽”.)

    1. It totally is just the question mark and the exclamation point. I point that out in the post, but it’s so much more fun if you’re having a hissy fit like a 13yrold girl to use ??? :)

  9. You could get some tinted cellophane or tape in yellow, put it over the blue numbers and it would make them look green. Unless you need them both to look blue .. Then I can’t help you.

    1. This might actually work. Like the stuff they put on gift baskets? Oh, no, I’m definitely changing the microwave numbers. We’re not having some snooty, upstart newcomer show up and start making all the other appliances conform to its standard of beauty. We were all just fine until the old microwave died…a microwave, I might add, that had the good sense to have green numbers. I love that microwave. I miss it.

  10. Love this! I saw your comment on the Blogess today and I HAD to come read this entry bc if the title.

    1. Thank you! Stop back by, next time I promise to have porno pictures featuring horses. Oh wait, that was last week’s blog.

  11. I also found you via The Bloggess and I have to say it. Are you my long lost sister? Because dear God in heaven, the title of this post should be the name of my blog. I get it. I so, SO get it.

    1. OMG!!! I was thinking the same thing;) we must ALL be related!!

      1. It’s true! I could kill him! And karma is now making the two-week-old microwave make a horrible dying cat noise when it beeps.

    2. Feel free to use it. Bitch.Wordpress.Com. I can’t wait to subscribe to it!

  12. I just found you via The Bloggess. I think I love you, and it may not be entirely platonic.I mean, it can be and all, if you’re a prude like that, but whatevs… The point is, you’re not crazy, you’re coordinated. Can you confirm both clocks say the same time, all the time? That’s important.

    1. I actually can, if I set both clocks and press GO at the same time. Of course, there are tons of scientists and lots of special tools required to make CERTAIN that they are pressed at the same time.

      And I love you too! Platonic, unless it really needs to go further in order to buy myself a kidney or a drink.

  13. All my appliances are black… like my soul.

    1. LOL. He told me he almost got a stainless steel microwave, but thought that might push me over the edge. Like the mismatched numbers aren’t bad enough???

    2. Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU for this!

  14. You just made me go into my kitchen to see if all my LEDs match. Yep. No funny glasses for me :)

    1. What?! I can’t believe I was anonymously posting that!

      1. I was kind of surprised myself. :)

  15. You can take an old pair of glasses and put a blue filter over the left eye and a green filter over the right eye. BAM! Instant 3D. Since your eyes are mounted left-right and your appliances are mounted top-bottom, you will have to cock your head about 90 degrees to get the 3D effect. Also, make sure that your clocks are perfectly synchronized or you will lose your last shred of sanity.

    BTW, the interrobang has been simplified into a single glyph:


    1. All I heard was blah blah blah “you’re insane.” My attorney will be in touch. :)

  16. I think I may have interrobanged last night. But it’s all foggy… Must be the blue LED display. It messes with my mind.

    1. I’m going to mess with people now but sheepishly coming forward about my out-of-control interrobanging addiction. Epic.

  17. Oh Lorca, you are a bitch, and I mean that in the nicest of all possible ways because I know what it’s like to be one too!

    1. That is a TOTAL compliment!

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