Beer and Condoms Make It the Most Magical Place on Earth

See? This creeped you out. I'm not just overreacting.

I just returned from a whirlwind three-day jet set down to Orlando to take the kids to DisneyWorld. This was actually their Christmas present, but it’s one of those things I had to take some time to mentally prepare for. Luckily, this ain’t your Uncle Walt’s DisneyWorld anymore.

For example, they sell condoms in their gift shops.

Yes, my friends, re-read that. You can buy condoms next to the Mouse Ear hats. While, not actually like RIGHT next to the hats. They’re not perverts. I think. Does selling condoms in the gift shops of kiddie Mecca make you a pervert?

Sadly, I’m such a weirdo that it wasn’t the condoms that were the strangest thing I saw. (Incidentally, I bought some condoms just to check them out and no, not everything in DisneyWorld has Mickey Mouse’s face plastered on it. They were just regular Trojans, which was a relief. And now I’m registered on some list somewhere for actually buying condoms in DisneyWorld.) No, the weirdest thing to me was the amount of alcohol just ambling around the park. C’mon, reader, keep up…the alcohol wasn’t wandering around, it was in a glass carried by a bleary-eyed parent. The parent was wandering around, usually towing a screaming child.

The best thing was you could spot the parents from a mile away who were drinking. They were the park guests who were towing a screaming child but WEREN’T losing it themselves. Every time a pint-sized tantrum-beast would get another lungful of air for a great screaming blast, the drinking parents would just turn up that clear plastic cup and drown their sorrows. Since my children are perfect and since I happen to adore all things DisneyWorld, I didn’t feel the need to walk around Epcot with a beer in my little fist; however, my husband kept plying me with Guiness from the Great Britain pavilion just so I would quit running from attraction to attraction, screaming, “Hurry up! This one has a short line!”

I have to freely admit that there are a lot of things in life that are made better by just a smidgeon of $6-per-glass beer. Your child’s second grade school play would go a lot smoother (at least in your mind) if there was an open bar, and ditto PTO meetings. Beer improved things so much in the line for Space Mountain that I think Disney cast members should be rolling you joints just to get you on It’s A Small World.

All in all and every bit of depravity aside, it was a good trip. I had just enough beer to make it all that much more fun, and thanks to the condoms from the gift shop my husband and I won’t be having a surprise baby and naming it Walt.

There Goes My Resolution Not to Be a Bitch

I really wanted to be a better person this year, but two things happened. First, I woke up and accidentally dropped my toothbrush in the toilet, and of course the toothbrush stores are closed today so I’ve been walking around the house swishing toothpaste and club soda together to try to get my mouth clean. I’m trying really hard not to take it as a sign that 2012 is going to suck camel ass.

The second thing that happened was I stumbled on this music video that actually had a catchy tune, if I needed a playlist of songs to listen to while bludgeoning people to death. It was like staring at someone who forgot to put his pants on. You’re staring and you know it’s wrong, but oh well it’s the most interesting thing you’ve seen all day.

And there, at the end of the video…an advertisement. I’m all prepared for an ad for iTunes or where I can download this band’s music. Nope. The best advertising fail ever just happened on a song called “Vampire Rock Anthem – Live Forever.”

I don't know Disney, what do YOU think a vampire might do with one more day?

I shudder to think what hordes of vampires might do on Space Mountain, especially since Disney is INVITING them there. And the Baptists were afraid of Gay Days. You ain’t seen sin and carnage until the undead jump in line at the Dumbo ride.