Beer and Condoms Make It the Most Magical Place on Earth

See? This creeped you out. I'm not just overreacting.

I just returned from a whirlwind three-day jet set down to Orlando to take the kids to DisneyWorld. This was actually their Christmas present, but it’s one of those things I had to take some time to mentally prepare for. Luckily, this ain’t your Uncle Walt’s DisneyWorld anymore.

For example, they sell condoms in their gift shops.

Yes, my friends, re-read that. You can buy condoms next to the Mouse Ear hats. While, not actually like RIGHT next to the hats. They’re not perverts. I think. Does selling condoms in the gift shops of kiddie Mecca make you a pervert?

Sadly, I’m such a weirdo that it wasn’t the condoms that were the strangest thing I saw. (Incidentally, I bought some condoms just to check them out and no, not everything in DisneyWorld has Mickey Mouse’s face plastered on it. They were just regular Trojans, which was a relief. And now I’m registered on some list somewhere for actually buying condoms in DisneyWorld.) No, the weirdest thing to me was the amount of alcohol just ambling around the park. C’mon, reader, keep up…the alcohol wasn’t wandering around, it was in a glass carried by a bleary-eyed parent. The parent was wandering around, usually towing a screaming child.

The best thing was you could spot the parents from a mile away who were drinking. They were the park guests who were towing a screaming child but WEREN’T losing it themselves. Every time a pint-sized tantrum-beast would get another lungful of air for a great screaming blast, the drinking parents would just turn up that clear plastic cup and drown their sorrows. Since my children are perfect and since I happen to adore all things DisneyWorld, I didn’t feel the need to walk around Epcot with a beer in my little fist; however, my husband kept plying me with Guiness from the Great Britain pavilion just so I would quit running from attraction to attraction, screaming, “Hurry up! This one has a short line!”

I have to freely admit that there are a lot of things in life that are made better by just a smidgeon of $6-per-glass beer. Your child’s second grade school play would go a lot smoother (at least in your mind) if there was an open bar, and ditto PTO meetings. Beer improved things so much in the line for Space Mountain that I think Disney cast members should be rolling you joints just to get you on It’s A Small World.

All in all and every bit of depravity aside, it was a good trip. I had just enough beer to make it all that much more fun, and thanks to the condoms from the gift shop my husband and I won’t be having a surprise baby and naming it Walt.

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11 thoughts on “Beer and Condoms Make It the Most Magical Place on Earth

  1. I recently read an article on Disney’s underground tunnel system (http://www.hiddenmickeys.org/WDW/MagicKingdom/Secrets/General/Underground.html) and how it was designed so that you didn’t see the wrong characters in the wrong lands, and that no one under 16 is allowed in these tunnels (used for travel between lands, dressing, breaks, etc.) because Disney was afraid children would be traumatized by seeing two goofy’s together, or Snow White eating dinner with the witch, etc. I’m glad to know that while they spend so much time, money and construction sparing the children from those horrors, they don’t worry about condoms in the gift shop. That’s amazing! I too would have had to buy them, though I’m disappointed to know there were no characters on them. As for the beer…well…who can argue with that logic?

  2. I used to think liquor at middle school sporting events would bring in a lot more parent participation. Sure would have made me show up more often.
    Except today, parents of ms athletes are sometimes crazy and violent… so maybe no booze…It’s sad when an adult can’t be mature enough for casual drinking. Ruins it for the rest of us.

  3. I went to Disney World with the BF. We didn’t buy any condoms but we made sure to keep a healthy buzz going during the day. We had to, just to put up with other people’s kids. Of course, the consistent consumption of beer led to me laughing maniacally at a bright green t-shirt with shamrocks on it that said, “Irish You Were Here”. Yes, I bought it. It also led to my boyfriend spending way to much money and energy on a stupid snow globe with a golf ball and tee in it. The idea was to get the ball resting on the tee. Yep, we had a blast!

  4. I’m simultaneously surprised and not surprised at all. (Clearly, there is a lot of weirdness going on in my head.) Disney is all about the bottom line. If a little bit of the social lubricant (nice tie-in to the condoms, huh?) pushes the profit margin a bit higher by keeping parents happy and more likely to buy just one more Goofy commemorative key ring/whistle, well then, by all means, bring on the beer!

    • I don’t know how much we spent on Goofy, but I do know that I’m back at work today, bright and early, and I remember the whole trip very fondly. What I remember of it, that is… :~)

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