Taking a Break?

So I’ve had some people email me to see if I’m all right, mostly since I haven’t posted since July and most of my posts are the result of doing something physically painful to myself. Feelin’ the love, y’all.

No, I’ve been on an intentional hiatus. I’ve got a crap ton of work to do and I have two kids involved in fall sports/activities, and… okay, wait. That’s a lie. I mean, it’s not a lie that my kids are keeping my busy, but it’s not the reason I haven’t been posting.

I can’t do the politics right now. I just can’t. If I ever let myself sit down and post about the state of politics right now, Congress will repeal the First Amendment just to shut me up. There will be censorship boards again, and I will FAIL.

So I’m coming back after this shit’s over–assuming the world wasn’t set on fire during the night of November 8th–and will get back to posting ridiculous crap. In the meantime, I leave you with this important message:

Voting is an important right, and it’s a massively important part of the whole American process (even when it doesn’t feel like it). And right about now you’re thinking that I’m gonna remain neutral and just encourage you all to go out and be a part of democracy next month. You’re so fucking wrong.

Voting just for the sake of voting is for fuckheads. Vote for Hillary. I swear to all that’s holy, vote for Hillary. Fuck Trump and his hatred-inducing regurgitated diarrhea. Fuck the notion of “protesting” by voting for one of the two douches pretending they still have a dog in this fight, you’re only going to divide the vote and give the Trumpkin the victory. Fuck writing in your dog’s name, even though it’s sounding better and better by the minute. Fuck sitting at home on your ass and avoiding the whole mess because standing in line is inconvenient.

Don’t be an asshole just because you’re allowed to by law. Save us all, do us all a favor, and oh yeah, I delete any comments on my blogs that piss me off because First Amendment only applies to the Constitution, not the blog that I pay good money to maintain.

See you in November, I hope.

If You Won’t Be an A-Hole, I Won’t Be a B-Word

I think I might be a little biased, but as I age I’m becoming more and more old coot-like. I’m a little bit tired of tolerating other people, which is bad news for me because I have (hopefully) about seventy more years of putting up with idiots. Then it dawned on me that there’s a whole segment of the population whose day just got a little worse when they realized they have seventy more years of putting up with me, so I think we’re even.

In order to help everyone involved, I’ve come up with a labeling system. I agree to wear the following warning badge:

I’ll even wear it on my forehead so everyone can see it because I do kind of feel bad that I’m a mean person. It’s kind of like the Parental Advisory stickers that Tipper Gore insisted all the good 80s music have, and the only outcome was everybody ran out and bought up all the music with the warning sticker on it. Maybe people will see my badge and back away, but the really fun people will seek me out as a friend.

Now, in order for me to be aware of who’s an asshole and who’s not, I’m going to need certain segments of the population to adhere to these steps.

  1. If you think women are evil and sinful and shouldn’t be allowed to make any decisions involving their own vajajays, you’re going to have to wear a rubber mask at all times like this one, just so I know to avoid you. Or so I know that you’re someone I should trip while you’re carrying something hot and/or pokey:

  1. If you really enjoy driving to the organic foods farmers’ market so you can buy healthy veggies and free-range meat products and be smug about how the rest of us eat crap and don’t care about pouring chemicals into our soil and groundwater, but you drove there in a 3-ton Lexus SUV that only burns premium, please wear your hemp fiber reusable shopping bag that was supposedly woven by Bolivian women at a co-op over your head so I don’t have to see the superior smirk you wear on your face at all times.
  1. If you are twenty years old and have no job and have never paid into Social Security or had to work a minimum wage job to afford your meager supply of Ramen noodles while in college—oh, and you don’t vote because “it doesn’t make a difference”—please wear the free T-shirt you got when you stopped at that table on the sidewalk and applied for another credit card. If they were giving out Frisbees with their corporate logo on it that day, feel free to carry that around with you instead.

  1. Let’s see, what else is pissing me off royally today…oh yeah. If you think school lunches are fine the way they are since ketchup kinda really is partly related to a vegetable, I have your uniform ready:

That’s all I have at the moment, but I’m sure something will come up once my caffeine wears off. If you’ve found a blog post with the guidelines that I should have to adhere to on how to not be such a bitch, send it my way. I’d love to read it because then I’ll have more stuff to write about while judging others. Thanks, and remember: