If You Won’t Be an A-Hole, I Won’t Be a B-Word

I think I might be a little biased, but as I age I’m becoming more and more old coot-like. I’m a little bit tired of tolerating other people, which is bad news for me because I have (hopefully) about seventy more years of putting up with idiots. Then it dawned on me that there’s a whole segment of the population whose day just got a little worse when they realized they have seventy more years of putting up with me, so I think we’re even.

In order to help everyone involved, I’ve come up with a labeling system. I agree to wear the following warning badge:

I’ll even wear it on my forehead so everyone can see it because I do kind of feel bad that I’m a mean person. It’s kind of like the Parental Advisory stickers that Tipper Gore insisted all the good 80s music have, and the only outcome was everybody ran out and bought up all the music with the warning sticker on it. Maybe people will see my badge and back away, but the really fun people will seek me out as a friend.

Now, in order for me to be aware of who’s an asshole and who’s not, I’m going to need certain segments of the population to adhere to these steps.

  1. If you think women are evil and sinful and shouldn’t be allowed to make any decisions involving their own vajajays, you’re going to have to wear a rubber mask at all times like this one, just so I know to avoid you. Or so I know that you’re someone I should trip while you’re carrying something hot and/or pokey:

  1. If you really enjoy driving to the organic foods farmers’ market so you can buy healthy veggies and free-range meat products and be smug about how the rest of us eat crap and don’t care about pouring chemicals into our soil and groundwater, but you drove there in a 3-ton Lexus SUV that only burns premium, please wear your hemp fiber reusable shopping bag that was supposedly woven by Bolivian women at a co-op over your head so I don’t have to see the superior smirk you wear on your face at all times.
  1. If you are twenty years old and have no job and have never paid into Social Security or had to work a minimum wage job to afford your meager supply of Ramen noodles while in college—oh, and you don’t vote because “it doesn’t make a difference”—please wear the free T-shirt you got when you stopped at that table on the sidewalk and applied for another credit card. If they were giving out Frisbees with their corporate logo on it that day, feel free to carry that around with you instead.

  1. Let’s see, what else is pissing me off royally today…oh yeah. If you think school lunches are fine the way they are since ketchup kinda really is partly related to a vegetable, I have your uniform ready:

That’s all I have at the moment, but I’m sure something will come up once my caffeine wears off. If you’ve found a blog post with the guidelines that I should have to adhere to on how to not be such a bitch, send it my way. I’d love to read it because then I’ll have more stuff to write about while judging others. Thanks, and remember: