MENStrual App Saves Lives

This is so completely and totally real that even I couldn’t make it up. Yes, it is the MENStrual Signal.

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Yes, there is an iPhone app for men that will keep track of their loved ones’ periods for them in order to alert them when to be on their very best behavior due to a household member’s PMS. Or when to hide the knives. Or when to just go ahead and move out, as in the case of the Duggar family and their forty-three or so menstruating women.

This lovely little unobtrusive indicator (and supposedly secretive, so she doesn’t catch on to the fact that you’ve tracked her like a bear with a National Geographic ping collar) pops up on your phone screen to tell you if it’s okay to be an asshole or not when you get home from work. Green light? Walk in the door, drop your shit on the floor, fart, and walk away. Yellow light? Offer to order pizza so she doesn’t have to cook. Red light? You’d better have learned sign language while you were at work so she doesn’t even have to hear the irritating sound of your voice.

Now, I’m all for sheer ugliness and stupidity, as long as it’s equal opportunity ugliness and stupidity. Therefore, I’m announcing the official launch of my new app, AppenDICKtomy.

My little app has sensor reading capabilities. You hold out your phone, and if he’s a douchebag, you get to cut him from your life like your useless little appendix. An indicator light will even warn you in stages, with a final warning issued as a tazer blast from your phone’s audio jack.

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9 thoughts on “MENStrual App Saves Lives

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  2. Hmmm… ‘unobtrusive’? This has epic fail written all over it. Men don’t get subtlety unless it’s delivered on the end of a baseball bat. If the kitten is on the mitten in my house, there is a simple announcement, and that is the only warning you get. “Peeps, we are at def con 5. Mama’s crampin’ like a son-of-a-birch. Keep your poop in a group or there will be global nuclear meltdown. Carry on…quietly.”

  3. If you’re gonna cobble up something like that there appenDICKtomy doohickey, give it about a 6-block radius, soz I can use it like an EMP and just Nuke the bastards.

  4. Where can I download your new app? Every woman needs one of these. I am post-menpausal but would love to put the MENstuating app on my husband’s phone—with a remote control on mine to turn it red at my command!!

    • Oooh, that would be handy! Sometimes it would be nice to have a good way to tell them we don’t have the time/patience to deal with their ‘just got home’ wake. (and if you don’t have patience, you certainly aren’t going to be able to verbally articulate it very politely. :/ )

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