This is so completely and totally real that even I couldn’t make it up. Yes, it is the MENStrual Signal.
Yes, there is an iPhone app for men that will keep track of their loved ones’ periods for them in order to alert them when to be on their very best behavior due to a household member’s PMS. Or when to hide the knives. Or when to just go ahead and move out, as in the case of the Duggar family and their forty-three or so menstruating women.
This lovely little unobtrusive indicator (and supposedly secretive, so she doesn’t catch on to the fact that you’ve tracked her like a bear with a National Geographic ping collar) pops up on your phone screen to tell you if it’s okay to be an asshole or not when you get home from work. Green light? Walk in the door, drop your shit on the floor, fart, and walk away. Yellow light? Offer to order pizza so she doesn’t have to cook. Red light? You’d better have learned sign language while you were at work so she doesn’t even have to hear the irritating sound of your voice.
Now, I’m all for sheer ugliness and stupidity, as long as it’s equal opportunity ugliness and stupidity. Therefore, I’m announcing the official launch of my new app, AppenDICKtomy.
My little app has sensor reading capabilities. You hold out your phone, and if he’s a douchebag, you get to cut him from your life like your useless little appendix. An indicator light will even warn you in stages, with a final warning issued as a tazer blast from your phone’s audio jack.