MENStrual App Saves Lives

This is so completely and totally real that even I couldn’t make it up. Yes, it is the MENStrual Signal.

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Yes, there is an iPhone app for men that will keep track of their loved ones’ periods for them in order to alert them when to be on their very best behavior due to a household member’s PMS. Or when to hide the knives. Or when to just go ahead and move out, as in the case of the Duggar family and their forty-three or so menstruating women.

This lovely little unobtrusive indicator (and supposedly secretive, so she doesn’t catch on to the fact that you’ve tracked her like a bear with a National Geographic ping collar) pops up on your phone screen to tell you if it’s okay to be an asshole or not when you get home from work. Green light? Walk in the door, drop your shit on the floor, fart, and walk away. Yellow light? Offer to order pizza so she doesn’t have to cook. Red light? You’d better have learned sign language while you were at work so she doesn’t even have to hear the irritating sound of your voice.

Now, I’m all for sheer ugliness and stupidity, as long as it’s equal opportunity ugliness and stupidity. Therefore, I’m announcing the official launch of my new app, AppenDICKtomy.

My little app has sensor reading capabilities. You hold out your phone, and if he’s a douchebag, you get to cut him from your life like your useless little appendix. An indicator light will even warn you in stages, with a final warning issued as a tazer blast from your phone’s audio jack.

Men Should Be Outfitted with a LIKE Button

This man doesn't really need a LIKE button. We can kinda just tell...

DISCLAIMER: Obviously, I’m a girl and therefore there’s still a tiny part of my brain that thinks boys are stupid and smelly. It was an opinion formed in elementary school and there has been a marginal amount of experience since then to make me change my mind. But having said that, I’m going to have to admit that the word “men” in this post is more like the word “men” in the Bible…it means everybody. Except when it only means “that guy.”

So MEN (okay fine, PEOPLE, are you happy now?) should come with the Facebook equivalent of a LIKE button. It would go a long way towards curing a lot of what’s wrong with the world if we could see two little symbols on each other’s foreheads, one with the thumbs up, one with the thumbs down, and the number of votes next to each. Innocent bystanders would know instantly if you tend to be a douche-nozzle or if you’re probably a pretty okay person. Man. Whatever.

We have rating systems on websites that let us express our approval of everything from blog posts to toilet paper to the video you posted of your kid stuffing cereal up his sleeping dad’s nose. We get all kinds of like/dislike information on the content, but who’s letting us know that the guy standing next to us in line for a latte wouldn’t stop in the parking lot to let an old lady use the crosswalk so she could have a latte, too?

Think about it for just a minute without going all Clockwork Orange on me. It would be like the polite version of voting people off the island, only nobody really gets evicted. And what is the point of the LIKE button in the first place if not to inform others that this particular item was worth your time? So is it wrong to say that this particular MAN is worth the effort to give him a second look or that you should just move on to the next one? (I’m sorry, I’m enjoying the image of men with like buttons tattooed on their foreheads too much to switch over to saying PEOPLE at this point)

Rating systems are also put in place so that the providers of the content—whether it’s blog posts or toilet paper or uploaded cat videos—know that this is something the public wants more of. If you’re getting too many down-thumbies, you might be a total shit and you should probably do something about it. We would not only be warning people away from idiots, but we’d also be helping others with their self-improvement goals. It’s a win-win. Now hit the LIKE button on this blog post or I’m posting a cat video next time.