Advanced Placement Ramen

I just found the best food product EVER. It’s like the people at the factory took an already awesome food and made it awesomer, just by making it finally be user-friendly. I present to you: Not Stupid Ramen.

Ramen Noodles are awesome, yes. We can all agree that there’s something great about foodstuffs that will never expire, can be eaten straight out of the package if you’re trapped in a snow drift for weeks, and cost less than a box of paperclips. Steal you some hot sauce packets from Taco Bell, and you’ve practically gone gourmet for the price of a gumball.

Here’s the problem with Ramen, though: it requires a fork and a spoon. It’s soup, but it’s also spaghetti. You just doubled your utensil-washing needs, thanks to a fourteen-foot string of expressed dehydrated noodle. Sure, you can TRY to smash it all up into spoon-sized pieces before you cook it, but more often than not the cheap packaging is going to tear, dropping tiny half-circles of dried up pasta in your lap.

Behold! Advanced Ramen!

Yes, a company has come along and actually found a way to improve on the concept of feeding college students who managed to find 53 cents down in their couch cushions. SpoonIt! brand noodles are here to rescue us all from splattering ourselves in the face with boiling hot fake broth as we try in vain to twirl curly noodles on a cafeteria fork.

SpoonIt! noodles, while slightly more expensive than Ramen brand, send an important evolutionary message to those around you, and that message is, “I was able to find 67 cents in the couch cushions, so I don’t have to slurp cheap noodles like a douche.” Spoon It! noodles come in pre-formed edible shaped chunks, so there’s no crushing or slurping required. It’s for those of us with caviar tastes on a budget intended for…well…Ramen.

Go ahead, laugh. But then start to take notice of the college kids around you. Ramen is for those students who try too hard to look not-poor by purposely looking poor. And unwashed. Like these people would have been hippies if they had been born back in the fifties and didn’t ride $3000 bicycles around campus in order to save money on gas. You won’t find anyone eating SpoonIt! on campus, because it’s only eaten by smart people and you know those guys are eating while huddled over their experiments. It’s like Mensa noodles. You can feel smarter just from eating it because you know that you have found the promised land of compact food. And because you showered today.

11 thoughts on “Advanced Placement Ramen

  1. WAAH. I was hoping for a pix of spoonit! Now I will have to spend an extra 10 minutes of my life looking for them..soup aisle? asian food? convenience food? In the interest of NOT wasting any more of my life than necessary in the supermarket, I boycott stores who put those tacky cardboard displays in the aisle in the way of anybody with a shopping cart,wheelchair,walker, stroller or more than a size 2 butt!!! GRRR. HATE them…I’m lookin’ at YOU walmart!

  2. I cannot stand the anticipation. They sound perfect! Looking for some at my local grocer during my food shopping fest this afternoon. And by “fest” of course I mean “drudgery resulting in a prize from McD’s because I earned that shit after getting stuck behind grannies in every freaking aisle because they don’t understand the concept of parking the cart on one side instead of blocking up the entire GD thoroughfare even though supposedly they are so much smarter than I am for having lived longer on this stupid planet.” But fest is shorter and fits better in that sentence, so, yeah. That.

    • I will most certainly look for them. A-R, you never want to shop if I’m around. I park my cart and my blind, happy ass wherever I GD well want and have a stop-fest! How about them apples! ‘Cause, blind, 2 years older than God and crazy as hell; plus, I know every one who works in that store by name. It’s a par-tay every time I’m there. It takes me 5 hours to shop because I have to tell everyone in the store, about my cat, JC and how the world is going to hell ’cause of all the rastas and ‘bangers who are running around the store. I tell them that too! Happy shopping! Come on down here; you’ll love it!

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