I Wasn’t Chosen to Be the Pope. Someone’s Getting an Angry Letter.

C’mon, admit it. For just a second there after reading that title, you pictured me in the pointy hat, waving at the crowds of people from my Popemobile. I don’t care what you say, yes… you were thinking it.

And if it weren’t for all the stupid rules, I would have made an awesome Pope. Okay, so, I don’t exactly have a penis and I was never officially ordained as a cardinal. Or a priest. Or even a lowly church committee member. But that really shouldn’t matter. The Pope’s real job (apart from protecting the Catholics of the world from burning in hell for being blasphemous scoff laws at all the Biblical stuff) is just to be the “face of the Church.” Kind of like how Michael Jordan is the face of Hanes underwear: he’s athletic, he’s sexy, and he makes me think of panties when I see him.

Michael Jordan = sexy boy panties. Pope = wanting to speak in a hushed reverent voice and tithe.

I do have a really strong qualification that I bring to the table. Face it, the only reason all the heathens even know about the Pope is because of that rhetorical-yet-heretical question smart asses like to ask as a reply to something dumb: “Is the Pope Catholic?” And I totally am. No one ever gives the sarcastic reply, “Is the Pope a man?” or “Does the Pope pee standing up?” No. That would be wrong. You’re going to hell for even thinking it, you blasphemer.

I was really sad to find out that the Cardinal See disbanded and went home after they chose Pope Francis, because now it’s going to be a real pain to get them to come back together and hear my appeal. Of course, all I have to say is “free trip back to Italy for work-related all-expenses-paid purposes,” and they might come a-runnin’, long skirts flapping in the wind behind them.

Luckily, I’ve been doing a little research (okay, I bribed my 12-year-old with half a Twix bar to Google it) and I found out that throughout history, quite a number of people have simply declared themselves to be something important, like, two people might claim the same kingdom, or how there were actually a whole bunch of times that different people all claimed to be the Pope. Of course, it led to beheadings and stake-burnings, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take to get to ride in that big car.


16 thoughts on “I Wasn’t Chosen to Be the Pope. Someone’s Getting an Angry Letter.

  1. Well as the originator of my own religious theology ‘Reasonism’, (http://rickyreasonist.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/on-matter-of-fruits-marcions-antithesis.html ), which by theological nature doesn’t have a ‘leader’, or buildings or costumes for that matter, though a friend did offer to make me hat, and I was tempted believe me, get thee behind me millinery, I’d say that you could start your own religion and bid for world domination on the religion front. As for the whole not having a penis issue; 1) A pope shouldn’t need a penis, being celibate 2) It would be best for many Catholics if Catholic clergy had their penis’ removed. (I speak as a member of the Catholic church, but if any Catholic priest reads my Theology book ‘The Temple & The Sacrifice’, in which I explain Reasonism, a post enlightenment science based Gnosticism, I’d be excommunicated from the Catholic church, which I’d love to happen, but my mother in law and my wife would be very embarrassed about. Yeah do what I’ve done and start your own religion, much more fun.

  2. I would’ve voted for you, Lorca. You would have been bad-ass as a pope. Who needs a penis? It’s not like they use ’em anyway…
    Nope, I’ve said quite enough. I’ve opened the door wide for the joke – I’ll let someone else deliver it. 😉


    • OMG you’re right! WHY does the Pope need a penis if he can’t use it for anything important? They should totally switch popehood to people who don’t have one!

  3. For Catholics, there is no such thing as “too late”. It took us almost 2000 yrs but we did get around to apologizing for blaming the Jews for the crucifixion. We owe much of our theology to the council of Trent of 1545. So I would start looking for a female Pope along about 5675.

  4. Do you hold the keys to the kingdom? I suspect you have them hidden away in a junk drawer. Bribe your daughter to research Pope Joan. I’m Jewish and we obsess about the pope. I would totally support your appeal but I think this guy’s okay.

    • Oh, I like him too. You gotta love a guy who can voluntarily pull off the name Francis. I, for one, would have stuck with Jorge. Pope Jorge… I like it.

          • Then you’re more Catholic than the next guy. Did you hear Spain is inviting Jews it kicked out during the Inquisition to come back? Of course they’re all dead! But no matter. If you can somehow prove your ancestors were kicked out you can move back in!

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