Advanced Placement Ramen

I just found the best food product EVER. It’s like the people at the factory took an already awesome food and made it awesomer, just by making it finally be user-friendly. I present to you: Not Stupid Ramen.

Ramen Noodles are awesome, yes. We can all agree that there’s something great about foodstuffs that will never expire, can be eaten straight out of the package if you’re trapped in a snow drift for weeks, and cost less than a box of paperclips. Steal you some hot sauce packets from Taco Bell, and you’ve practically gone gourmet for the price of a gumball.

Here’s the problem with Ramen, though: it requires a fork and a spoon. It’s soup, but it’s also spaghetti. You just doubled your utensil-washing needs, thanks to a fourteen-foot string of expressed dehydrated noodle. Sure, you can TRY to smash it all up into spoon-sized pieces before you cook it, but more often than not the cheap packaging is going to tear, dropping tiny half-circles of dried up pasta in your lap.

Behold! Advanced Ramen!

Yes, a company has come along and actually found a way to improve on the concept of feeding college students who managed to find 53 cents down in their couch cushions. SpoonIt! brand noodles are here to rescue us all from splattering ourselves in the face with boiling hot fake broth as we try in vain to twirl curly noodles on a cafeteria fork.

SpoonIt! noodles, while slightly more expensive than Ramen brand, send an important evolutionary message to those around you, and that message is, “I was able to find 67 cents in the couch cushions, so I don’t have to slurp cheap noodles like a douche.” Spoon It! noodles come in pre-formed edible shaped chunks, so there’s no crushing or slurping required. It’s for those of us with caviar tastes on a budget intended for…well…Ramen.

Go ahead, laugh. But then start to take notice of the college kids around you. Ramen is for those students who try too hard to look not-poor by purposely looking poor. And unwashed. Like these people would have been hippies if they had been born back in the fifties and didn’t ride $3000 bicycles around campus in order to save money on gas. You won’t find anyone eating SpoonIt! on campus, because it’s only eaten by smart people and you know those guys are eating while huddled over their experiments. It’s like Mensa noodles. You can feel smarter just from eating it because you know that you have found the promised land of compact food. And because you showered today.