If you’ve been following this blog for any amount of time, and I mean, even a day or two, you would understand why there aren’t more advertisers beating down the door of my email inbox, offering me products to sample and review. Perhaps it was my blog post about my Aunt Gertie being a ho that turns Madison Avenue off, or maybe the one about manatees catching STDs. The post where I let readers vote on whether or not that thing growing on my face was cancer or Mitt Romney got a lot of traffic, but probably not a lot of confidence from the marketing people.
So it was really weird when the people at Vick’s offered me a new-fangled thermometer to try. The only tie-ins I can think of are my very recent post about being so sick I pee when I cough, or a much older post about not being able to remember which of our family’s thermometers is the rectal one, and just having to play thermometer roulette when illness strikes.
The best part about their offer of a free Star Trek-style thermometer is it arrived only days into my illness, so it really was perfect timing. Well played, Vicks.
Thought Number One: I couldn’t get the package open. I have no idea why they childproofed it, unless it’s just standard company policy for anything made by Vicks. My 12-year-old had to help me, and even then, she had to stab it with a knife over and over. Or maybe she was just enjoying the stabby motions. She is my kid, after all.
Thought Number Two: It looks like a vibrator. A purse-sized model. I didn’t know Vicks made those.
Thought Number Three: Nope, still looks like a vibrator.
Thought Number Four: Why are there three “on” buttons? Oh wait, only this one is the “on” button. This other one is the “make it work” button. I still don’t know what the third one is for.
Thought Number Five: Do we have any Cheetos?
Thought Number Six: “I AM testing the new product, thank you very much! Don’t you have homework to be doing???”
Thought Number Seven: Okay, let’s try this baby out.
I lined up the family to be my hapless guinea pigs. I stuck this thing behind each squirming, uncooperative child’s ear and pressed the button. Like I said, it’s all very Star Trekky. It looks like how the bad guy alien sneaks up on people in the Turbo Lift and injects them with a poison that is so instantaneous the victim drops to the floor immediately, giving the bad guy alien enough time to stash the body in one of the wall panels before the Lift doors open.
I am sad to say that no one in my household is a solid 98.6 degrees, including my 95-degree youngest child and the 99-degree dog. I was a solid 97, with some decimal thrown in. The thermometer doesn’t seem to have an off switch, so it sat there staring at me for a few more minutes. Now if only vibrators didn’t have an off switch, that’s a product I could get behind.
Lorca Damon 
[…] of sending me stuff and giving me free rein to tell the world what I think of it. Like the time Vicks sent me a thermometer and I became convinced it was a tiny vibrator, and therefore had to convince others that it looked […]
Vibrator. Actually, better looking than many vibrators I’ve seen,
eden
Wishful thinking. And I’m right there with ya…
Must. Have. Vibrator.
No, wait! I meant to say… Must. Have. Star Trek. Thermometer.
Well, really, either statement could be true. Depending on my temperature. LMAO!!! 🙂
I think both products would be vital in ANY household.
Personally, I can’t understand why the Madison Avenue isn’t lining up at your front door after posts like the “Chicken Pimp,” “Aunt Gertie is a Ho,” or any of your fine writing. I’m sure this very detailed and technical review for Vicks Star Trek Vibrator/Thermometers will bring them running! Wonderful post. You always make me laugh.
Thank you! But after your comment, I no longer need their help. I’m going to invent the Vicks Star Trek Vibrating Chicken Thermometer! I’m gonna be so rich!
You’re right, I can’t imagine why they’re not beating down your door to get you to try more stuff!
No kidding! I give the best reviews EVER!
Ha! I have one of those and every time I need it the batteries are dead, or it is under someone’s bed in never never land. You had to say it looked like a mini-vibrator right? I’ll never be able to look at that thing the same again! LOL
Then my work here is done. 🙂
Gawd , you are so wickedly funny, is it on purpose , but either way Gawd….
I have asthma, you do know laughing sets of an attack you do realise this don’t you and if i AM FOUND DEAD AND YOUR PAGE IS OPEN … WELL LITIGATION COULD FOLLOW … But the good news is I’ll be dead so it wont be me suing, just saying xx
If you’re dead, I can still check your temperature.
Laughing to hard to comment….
Go ahead. Just wait until the day YOU have to explain to the authorities why you’re holding a vibrator to the side of your child’s head!
As a triage nurse I REALLY like the star trek thermometers! And, just so you know, hardly anyone really is a 98.6 Just another one of those weird, everybody knows its true facts that isn’t.
Whew. I can get the dog out of this ice bath now.
No, LH said ANYBODY, stick the dog back in the ice bath
She’s fighting me on it…