I Might Have Cancer. Or Ringworm. Probably Ringworm.

I have this thing on my face that wasn’t there in October. Yes, I tried washing it off, thank you very much. I also tried putting lotion on it and covering it with spackle. I even tried antibiotic ointment in case it was some kind of flesh eating thing, because you know that a little Neosporin can totally take on Ebola virus. Just as I was about to scrape it off with a loofa, something occurred to me: there’s a good chance a doctor might need to look at it and if I scrub it off with a square of cosmetic-grade sandpaper, the doctor won’t get to see it. So the festering thing and I went to see a doctor.

Hmmmm-ing noises were involved. Bright lights were shined on it. The doctor even called for back-up, asking other people to come look at it, including one person whom I’m pretty sure was just a really nosy copier repairman. In retrospect, it went something like this:

DR: Well, Lorca, that certainly is very interesting.

ME: Oh that’s good. At least it’s not, like, fatally ugly. It’s just at DefCon Interesting. So do I put some kind of cream on it or something?

DR: We can’t do anything with it until we know what it is (this doctor is a member of the royal family, apparently, because he calls himself “we.”). For now, I think we’re possibly looking at either skin cancer or fungus.

ME: Oh, that’s good. Then fungus it is.

DR: What?

ME: You said I could have cancer or fungus, so I vote fungus.

DR: Um, you don’t get to pick.

ME: But you just said I could have either cancer, or I could have fungus. You clearly just gave me a choice.

DR: No, I meant, it could be cancer or it could be fungus.

ME: There you go again! That’s what I just said. So let’s make it be fungus.

DR: We don’t get to choose. That thing on your face has already decided what it is.

ME: How? It’s only about four months old! I hadn’t even decided I could eat solid foods when I was this thing’s age. There’s still time to shape it into the thing we want it to be when it grows up. It’s still impressionable at this age.

DR: I don’t think you’re understanding me. I don’t know what that is.

ME: I don’t either, but I’m going to make it be a fungus.

Now I have to take these pills that have nothing to do with my face but are more likely to stop me from acting weird when I go back for the medical scraping that will help the doctor ask this thing if it wants to be cancer or a fungus when it grows up. And while I still maintain that he was quite obviously giving me options, he may not have actually been meaning to do that. If I did have a choice it would totally be a fungus because I know what to do about that. Luckily, these pills won’t let me think much about anything until I go back to see him for the fungusectomy. Since it’s a fungus and all.


UPDATE: Because I’m completely a giver and all, I’m going to let YOU vote on whether it’s a cancer or a fungus. That will serve two purposes. One, I can show the doctor that all these people think it’s a fungus and therefore he’ll have to treat it like one, and two, I can find out which of you are douche canoes who want me to have cancer. Take a look at this photo:

Cast your vote now! Does Lorca have a fungus (yeah!!!) or cancer (boooo)?

27 thoughts on “I Might Have Cancer. Or Ringworm. Probably Ringworm.

  1. You,my dear are simply adorable! You are brave,funny and blunt.I am even gonna give up my email just so I can comment on your post…I have a weird skin thing,also. I am nervous but cheered and encouraged by your post xxxooo!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

    • Thank you for your repetitive voting! You will far outshine that one douche who voted for cancer! On the other hand, ten people voted for Mitt Romney, which just makes me smile.

      • Seriously? Someone voted for cancer. People amaze me. Not always in good ways.

        As for the Mitt Romney votes, I find that funny, but a bit confusing. Is he more like fungus or cancer? Good arguments to support both conclusions…

  2. I had to vote for Mitt Romney for two reasons. One, I can now tell my crazy conservative friends, ‘hey, I voted for Mitt Romney’, which will shut them up and won’t, technically, be a lie. Two, as a nurse, I don’t want to be accused of diagnosing anything on a public forum, the nursing board tends to frown on things like that.
    Please let me know what the test results show.

  3. Not enough info in this post to make a solid assessment, although a lack of itching and spreading suggests it’s NOT a fungus (like ringworm). Photo far too fuzzy.

    IANAD, but it seems like it would have been easy to test if ringworm by applying an inexpensive OTC anti-fungal topical cream on it to see if it responds (like tolnaftate or miconazale nitrate). If itching, redness, size, scaling begin to shrink within 24-48 hours of application, I’d say fungus.

    BUT…this could also be actinic keratosis — looks like a small, slightly raised scaly patch, generally found on skin most frequently exposed to sun. This is generally considered a pre-cancerous condition (not actual cancer) and should be treated by doctor. Could be frozen, scraped, peeled, treated with a cream depending on severity, size. If this AK, please be more aggressive in avoiding UV exposure and use of sunblock so you don’t get more of these.

    • See, I would feel better if this was on, say, the underside of my elbow. Nope. That photo is on my nose. Kind of hard to avoid sun exposure with a nose like mine, though!!! Sunscreen it is, regardless of what they find out!

  4. I had ringworm on my arm last year thanks to a farm cat run in. It basically looked exactly like that. Some ring worm cream from CVS fixed it right up. So I’m going with that. Plus, that’s a lot better than getting a chunk of cancer cut out of your face.

    • It’s so cool that nothing you said even sounded CLOSE to cancer! Like, you could have made up some fake disease called Plancer, just to mess with me. You rock.

  5. I am so glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read this because if I was it would now be dripping down the monitor. It’s a fungus. Definitely. Because if it’s cancer, I’m gonna feel bad for laughing. You can give THAT reason to your doctor and see what he says LOL

    • Oh, I’m totally telling on you for laughing if this goes badly. EVERYONE will know you’re the one who laughed at my announcement! You’re gonna owe me a dollar.

      • so Lorca, what was it? Did it go away? I have 3 on my chin at the moment and like you, I’m determined they’re fungus and not cancer!

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