There’s this birth control pill that makes you only have four periods a year. You’re welcome. I think it’s intended for women who are just so freaking busy that they can’t be bothered with bodily functions. These are probably the same people who take DriUp tablets so they don’t have to urinate as often, too. Here’s the catch with this God-doesn’t-know-what-He’s-doing-with-our-plumbing-so-we’re-gonna-change-things-up-a-bit pill: it makes you have four periods a year, but it’s the same amount of blood. Read the fine print. So instead of having one period a month, you have three periods all at the same time, once per fiscal quarter. You basically sit in a kiddie pool for a week of your life, four times a year, wallowing in your own filth.
That’s what it’s like when I get sick. Well, without the kiddie pool. But still going with the wallowing in filth, especially since I can’t remember how long it’s been since I brushed my teeth and I might have been wearing this same shirt for three days now.
I never get sick. Ever. My immune system is so good, I could lick shopping carts in the Walmart parking lot and nothing would happen to me. So when I do get sick, it’s probably from bubonic plague or some disease that’s been wiped out in every country on Earth except for three small ones where you still buy your bride after checking her teeth.
But now, it’s happened. I have my tri-annual illness, and this time it’s really trying to kill me. I have self-medicated with hot tea and with whiskey, (not always at the same time, but sometimes) and I invested in a menthol vapor thing for my bedroom. I cough up stuff, I sneeze out stuff, and now, thanks to lack of exercise and the birth of two children, I pee stuff when I cough. I’m just going to go ahead and sit in the kiddie pool and ride this one out.
Lorca Damon 
[…] me a new-fangled thermometer to try. The only tie-ins I can think of are my very recent post about being so sick I pee when I cough, or a much older post about not being able to remember which of our family’s […]
Poor thing! I hope you feel better soon!
Thanks! I caved and went to the doctor, let’s see what he can do for me.
Woman, you crack me up
I had that! I was so sick during Christmas I went through 2 big bags of maxi-pads (and I wasn’t on my period). Yes, folks…I pee when I cough really hard too. And it sucks, and I can totally sympathize with your plight. Just know, it does get better, and you go back to only peeing when you sneeze really hard. Whew.
I just really want to go back to the days of only peeing when I peed.
Sounds like influenza or maybe pneumonia. Hang in there. I’m of this philosphy – get a Mirena IUD and never have a period! Yay!
If I get an IUD, will it keep me from getting the flu?
Yes ma’am. For sure…
Can I get one put in at Walgreens, like I can a flu shot?
AWWW! So sorry to hear about the plague……I think its from eating elk meat. Just sayin’
I’m telling my mother-in-law its a lung parasite I got from eating her son’s kill.
You poor baby! I’m sorry you’re sick but you’re even more funny so I’m torn about the outcome. LOL. Kisses and hugs. 🙂
Just think how funny I could be if I were injured at work and had a two-by-four nailed to my head, or something!
That would be hysterical.
Yes I know that pee-when-I-cough all too well! Hope you are feeling better real soon.
Thanks! Cough cough cough oops cough cough…