This post isn’t funny. At all. Well, okay, it’s a tiny bit funny because I keep mentioning tampons, but I swear that tampons are the only funny part of this story. You can smile when I get to the tampon parts.
Here’s the thing: I know this really awesome lady, and no, her gorgeous red hair is not what makes her awesome. In fact, it has the opposite effect, because it makes me want to push her down because I’m jealous. Not the point.
Anyway, life pooped on this awesome red-haired lady. She got SUPER sick over the summer, and even though everybody keeps assuming it was from a tampon (now is the time to giggle), it wasn’t from bad personal hygiene (yeah right, like anybody with hair that gorgeous doesn’t spend HOURS on personal hygiene!). So she gets really sick from a non-tampon-related illness and ends up in a coma for a whole month of the summer, meaning she and the gorgeous hair didn’t lounge by the pool AT ALL. When she wakes up from the coma, she finds out that it was a good thing that she woke up when she did because they were practically holding the saw over her arms and legs, thinking that maybe if her body had less meat to deal with, she would recover faster. I personally think they should have started with her hair, but that might be the jealousy talking again.
So life has basically sucked for the redhead since this summer. She did end up losing a few body parts, but the hair more than makes up for it, and they were minor body parts. Well, okay, you kind of do need your thumb, but I think she got to keep most of it in the end.
Here’s where I come in. Besides laughing at her expense about her love of tampons and thumbs and secretly hating her for owning that hair, I found out the other day that she had a super-important doctor’s appointment, and no one to take her. Because she can’t drive. And the reason she can’t drive is her awesome hair gets in the way. I made that up. Okay, it was her tampon. I made that part up, too. You may giggle again.
Anyway, I found out she had no ride, so I Googled “limo service” in her home town, found one that didn’t look sleazy, and gave them a call. They took her info, nabbed my credit card number, and took her to her doctor’s appointment in STYLE. And I know for a fact she rocked that damn red hair of hers the whole way there.
PLEASE do not even for a second think of telling me how sweet that was or how nice I am for doing her a favor. First of all, I’m not nice, I want to shove her down because of her hair, remember? Second, I want you to do something WAAAAAAY better.
I want you to do that for someone else.
Do you know how much effort I spent on helping somebody whom life has pooped on lately? None, because I didn’t even need to get out of my chair to arrange it and it took five minutes of my life. Do you know how much that limo cost me when you compare it to her medical bills? Nothing. Do you know what I sacrificed to be able to afford that ride to get her to her appointment?
A new Keurig.
Yup. I was going to buy another coffee maker, this one to go in my office so I wouldn’t have to walk down the stairs to get more coffee while I write. Then I realized that the gorgeous red-haired lady would be thrilled shitless just to be able to walk down those stairs. And I felt really small inside for wanting another coffee maker.
I love all of the people who stop by my blog and tell me how great I am and how funny I am, but just this one time don’t tell me I did something great. Because I didn’t. I did something human. I did exactly what I should have done. Instead of saying something nice to me, please go pass it on to someone around you.
UPDATE: Check out the suh-weet ride provided by Valley Limo in Pennsylvania. It turns out that when I booked the trip and they charged my card, they charged me for the Town Car rate but sent the stretch bad boy, because “that lady needed something special.” Like her hair isn’t freakin’ special enough! But they really didn’t have to do that, and they did and they are rock stars for it, so if you ever need a limo in Pennsylvania or the tri-state area, please go with those guys.
Lorca Damon 
You’re busted Lorca! You should’ve kept quiet about being lovely and kind and we’d all go on believing you were an intellectually brilliant wit witch. Now you have to put up with us all knowing you’re warm hearted, humane and thoughtful; no-one is going to believe the ‘acid drop’ stuff any more! Ha! Busted! Anyway I am monetarily challenged man so Limousines, or even taxis, are out of my wallet’s league; however I will pass on the deed in spirit and finally get around to seeing if an old lady who lives around the corner from us and whom I’ve said hello to and listened to a couple of times needs any help or just a bit of company. I’ve been meaning to see if she’s okay as she seemed lonely and frankly I haven’t plucked up the courage to knock and chat; so I’ll go round Sunday. Good enough?
You’re awesome. That is absolutely the most unbelievably wonderful thing you can do! When you think about it, my act pales in comparison because I did something for a friend I know and care about. YOU are willing to put yourself out there for someone you don’t know that well. That’s amazing! (and for the record…the acid was real) (no, it wasn’t, but it makes a good excuse)
Oh shit! I was thinking nothing of it because ‘you told me to do it’ and you had done something good. Now I’m going to be standing on her doorstep tomorrow nervously wondering if she’s going to think I’m nuts or con man or a burglar, but I have to do it now because I said I would and it’s all your fault! I hadn’t got the courage before, but you inspired me and now you’ve made it out to be some ‘big thing’ I’m nervous. Bollocks! (Sigh). Right! Okay! I’m sure it’ll be fine. I notice that she always shops at the corner shop which is expensive, so maybe I could ask if she needs someone to get shopping for her from a supermarket. But if I get shouted at by her and she sends the police round I’m showing them your blog and blaming you.
A) HaHaHa! You’re doing something because I told you to!
B) HaHaHa! You just told the entire internet that you’ll do it so you have to go through with it now.
C) I will start the Kickstarter campaign for the bail money if she has you arrested for stalking her.
D) That’s actually a really smart observation, and offering to pick up items for her could save her tons of money. You rock.
And I want a T-shirt that says, “Wit Witch.” I’m working on it now.
What is awesome about you Lorca is that you THOUGHT of someone else. The real problem for many of us is being oblivious about the problems we could solve with so little time/effort/money if we just thought of other people. You ROCK!
Awww…shucks. Now pass it on!
I know Karen, I sing in a Community Choir with her. I read this after I had prepared my Sunday School Lesson on Saturday night. It turned out that my lesson was about Jesus saying that He did not come to be served, but to serve others; a message He was trying to get through to his disciples. I used your story as a wonderful example of serving other. It helps to have real life lessons when teaching children, however, I left the part out about the tampons. I didn’t think the ten year old boys would appreciate that part. Thank you.
You have my permission to alter the story JUST THIS ONCE! In the future, you will need to find a way to incorporate the importance of the tampons, all while maintaining strict discipline, a straight face, and a minimum of giggling from your students. 🙂
Thanks for letting me know it spoke to you!
I always kind of thought I liked you, but now…yup, I’m sure. I really like you. Not just because you paid it forward by doing an incredibly sweet thing, then humbly refusing praise by just requesting others also show an act of kindness. I like you because I appreciate the superior writing ability of someone who can write a blog that actually does make me laugh out loud, while pulling off the impressive feat of mentioning tampons no less than seven times. Yes, I counted! You have earned a new friend, as well as a fan.
Awwww! Wait, are you just buttering me up so I won’t talk about YOUR tampons on the entire internet??? Cuz I still totally will. 🙂
Thanks for reading and for being my new friend!
What a terrible person you are. I can’t even believe I know you, let alone like you. No more, I say. NO MORE. And yeah, that gal has fab hair. ~~on a serious note, the world needs more people to give up coffee makers. xoxo
That made me pee! Luckily, I had opted NOT to use the tampon, and had something far more absorbent at the ready, just in case YOU commented and made me laugh/pee!!!
Then my work here is done. PS you’re a meanie.
Completely awesome!
I absolutely completely adore you and am proud to be friends with you. Yup, I said something nice about you, even though you told me not to. Suck it.
I will overlook it this one time, but your punishment is to watch a solid hour of those awful Save the Animals commercials starring Sarah MacLaughlin. I have to change the channel when those come on, or I start dipping into the grocery money and the college fund to help a three-legged dog.