I Take Great Pride in My Level of Sphincter Control

I really never thought that my ability to not have to fart at inappropriate times would bring me joy, but I have to say, I must be like a ninja-level non-farter. I can say with all honesty I have never a) accidentally farted anywhere out of place, and therefore b) never been unable to contain the contaminant until I found myself in an appropriate venue for ejection.

There’s really nothing wrong with my plumbing, and I swear I eat plenty of fiber. But unlike the students I teach, I am able to hold back. Of course, the students I teach are boys and they are being fed a steady diet of cheap carbs and Dorito powder, so it’s a wonder their clothes don’t blow up like inflated space suits at any given moment of the day.

Luckily, the rest of society is very taken with the concept of farting, so my students won’t feel shunned or ridiculed. I even found this lovely book on no bestseller list anywhere:

I refuse to believe the author’s last name is actually Smeldit. Of course, it’s just not a childhood reading experience without the complete set of Walter the Farting Dog books, a lovely series about a dog who constantly saves the day with his vile buttiferous odors.

Since society is actually clamoring for more reading material about farts, I feel like I might be in a misunderstood and discriminated against minority of people who just don’t feel the need to share. There goes my ninja status.

3 thoughts on “I Take Great Pride in My Level of Sphincter Control

  1. It’s not necessarily a lack of sphincter control that precedes the onset of MFS (Male Fart Syndrome). Sociologists believe that it is a primitive ranking mechanism, and is actually sometimes viewed as a status symbol among males, much like measuring how high one can pee on the fence. Others, almost exclusively male sociologists, see it as revenge aimed at female life-partners who flatulate in their sleep.

  2. Farting can be cool I guess. “Jumping Jack Flash… it’s a gas, gas gas… quick boys, an ecstasy of fumbling, fitting the clumsy helmets just in time, but someone still was yelling out…. Someone open a window!” Perhaps the US & UK warning over the use of gas weapons in Syria is because Obama and Cameron share your view that it’s better in than out. Who knows? As Bob D would say ‘The answer is blowing in the wind.’

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