I Take Great Pride in My Level of Sphincter Control

I really never thought that my ability to not have to fart at inappropriate times would bring me joy, but I have to say, I must be like a ninja-level non-farter. I can say with all honesty I have never a) accidentally farted anywhere out of place, and therefore b) never been unable to contain the contaminant until I found myself in an appropriate venue for ejection.

There’s really nothing wrong with my plumbing, and I swear I eat plenty of fiber. But unlike the students I teach, I am able to hold back. Of course, the students I teach are boys and they are being fed a steady diet of cheap carbs and Dorito powder, so it’s a wonder their clothes don’t blow up like inflated space suits at any given moment of the day.

Luckily, the rest of society is very taken with the concept of farting, so my students won’t feel shunned or ridiculed. I even found this lovely book on no bestseller list anywhere:

I refuse to believe the author’s last name is actually Smeldit. Of course, it’s just not a childhood reading experience without the complete set of Walter the Farting Dog books, a lovely series about a dog who constantly saves the day with his vile buttiferous odors.

Since society is actually clamoring for more reading material about farts, I feel like I might be in a misunderstood and discriminated against minority of people who just don’t feel the need to share. There goes my ninja status.