Rules of the Road

My husband has finally lost his will to live. It involved lots of nagging from me and just a little bit of arsenic in his food every day for the past two weeks. But he has finally given in and bought me a car*.

Since this the nicest car I’ve ever owned** and since I will have to drive this car for the next ten years, I had to establish a few key rules about being in the vicinity of my car:

  1. Don’t fart in my car. This one is really important. That smell gets in the upholstery and there is no exorcism that can get it out. Plus, ewwww. Who wants to ride down the road trapped in a fart capsule?
  2. Don’t eat in my car. You could spill, and if the trip is long enough it could also cause you to violate rule number one.
  3. Don’t bleed in my car. Even if I’m the reason you’re bleeding. Some stains just don’t come out and I’m not driving a car with blood stains on the seats. Anymore.
  4. No coughing, sneezing, drooling, or any other bodily emission. It spreads germs and if I bleach my car to get your germs out of it, the seats will look like I tie-dyed them to look like a hippie van.
  5. Don’t touch the windows, especially if it’s cold out and the windows are foggy and you draw a smiley face on the window with your human-greasy finger. How do you even know I WANT a smiley face on my window?
  6. If you happen to be in a vehicle other than my car, don’t get too close to my car. You could smash into it and if you did accidentally hurt my car, I will run over you in what’s left of my car.

See? There aren’t that many rules***. And they are all easy to adhere to****. The punishment for violating these rules will be swift but painless*****. But don’t violate the rules.

*once I gave him the antidote

**and I once owned a wood paneled station wagon whose interior had been on fire

***this is not a comprehensive list of rules

****if you don’t like moving around a lot or breathing

*****no it won’t, it will hurt a lot

“There is now a level zero.”
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19 thoughts on “Rules of the Road

    • I do love it. It has a roof rack, so I don’t have to soil the interior to dispose of the body. Just a quick trip through the carwash on the way home from the woods, and we’re good!

  1. Dear Lorca,

    Still whining about that fine vintage wagon? My ride is 39 years old. Its owner’s manual includes instructions on destroying it to prevent its capture by the Warsaw Pact.

    Love,
    Dad

    • Don’t worry. Your car has never been captured because then the enemy would be stuck with your piece of crap car. It would deplete their oil reserves just to get it back to base. “You know what they say about British cars: ‘If there ain’t no oil under it, there ain’t no oil in it.'”

  2. i’m glad that you didn’t implement one of the rules that my wife applied to her new car — no sex in the car…. which corresponds to the same rule that applies to any other location *smile*

    • Smoking isn’t okay in the vicinity of my person, let alone my car! Yeah, I’m one of those irritating nut cases who will loudly stage cough whenever someone lights up around me, fanning the air with my hand like moving the smoke around is the only thing that will save me from dying right then.

      I guess if YOU were actually on fire it wouldn’t technically be smoking, but I don’t want soot in my car so I would still shove you out of it. But I’d slow down first.

  3. Hope it wasn’t a new car. My Dad always told us the minute you drive a new car off the lot it depreciates $3,000. Way to kill the joy of getting a new car, right? Happy depreciation…what’d you get, by the way?

    • I absolutely LOVE sticker shock. The thought that I sat on my ass and moved fourteen feet out of the parking lot and still managed to blow $3000 is AWESOME!

      When am I ever going to get to waste money like that?

      It’s a Toyota RAV4 (insert commercial and resulting royalty check HERE).

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