My husband got up early (okay…earlier than usual) this morning, drove to the store, came back with a million ingredients, and cooked us all a big Southern breakfast. Biscuits, grits, eggs, sausage, even orange juice. Nice.
He cleaned out my car. He folded laundry. He played with the kids outside so I could write two articles I had to get finished. He wiped down the counter tops.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. He’s done something wrong. Hell, that’s what I was thinking too. And since I did get a new car two weeks ago I immediately ran outside to see if he had smashed it by mistake. Nope.
ME: (making a squinty face) Why are you being so nice to me?
ME: Should I just repeat myself, or are you stalling for time?
HIM: I was stalling. But now I don’t know what you mean. I’m not being nice. I’m just being normal.
ME: No, your version of normal is to fart really loudly and then yell at the dog. Why are you being really nice?
ME: (more squinty looks…I’m gonna wrinkle if he doesn’t quit stalling.)
HIM: You’re leaving for three days and I just thought I’d be extra sweet.
(Author’s Note: This is where I almost felt bad. Yeah, I made that noise that you just made in your head except I did it almost out loud, the noise where you go, “Awwwwwww.” Almost. Because he made the mistake of continuing to talk.)
HIM: And since you’re flying on a plane, I thought I should be really nice in case your plane crashes and this is your last day here.
ME: (blink…pause for effect) That is so seriously screwed up.
HIM: No, it’s not.
ME: It is too. You’re being nice so I can remember you as being really nice IN CASE I DIE???
HIM: Well, you won’t remember. You’ll be dead. I’ll remember, so I would want to remember that I was really nice to you the last time I saw you, and not all schmucky.
HIM: What? Who wants to live the rest of their lives knowing the last time they saw their wives, they forgot to put the toilet seat down and she fell in? You could try giving me a little credit here.
ME: Seriously? You just made my death turn into All-About-Youville!
HIM: Well, you won’t remember that either.
(Author’s Note: Once again, I wish this post had been some bizarre made-up conversation that I dreamed in my head after mixing lattes with Red Bull, but no. It happened. And I am flying on a plane to go to BookExpo, so you should probably be really nice to me.)
18 thoughts on “The Flowers Made Me Suspicious”
Truth is always stranger than fiction! Fodder for your writing.
Of course. I keep telling him he has made me into the writer I am today!
AWWW, that’s so sweet. Ok he had a sort of ulterior motive but he still cleaned out the car, made breakfast and folded laundry. With that kind of help I certainly wouldn’t quibble over motivation!!!
True. Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. He might have the romantic sense of the village idiot, but my floors got mopped.
It’s a bloke thing… it doesn’t make sense emotionally… and then suddenly you realize that the weird stuff he is doing is because he loves you and thinks that the weird stuff in some way expresses his love better than actually saying it and giving you a hug. Men are cryptic about nothing except emotions where they do weird things because they love someone. I understood every word and I will be happy to translate any future weirdness into the emotionally charged language and words it clearly represents.
I’m going to let you handle all of my manslation from now on. It’s like you work for the UN, only you’re way more important.
Gee, think how sad he’ll be on his way to the bank w/the insurance $….
His tears will stain the check as he tries to sign it, I’m sure!
Ah, mawwage. It’s a sacwed union! 🙂
oh my word I’m almost peeing myself laughing … these are great notes for later when i find my gal lol of what not to do lol hehehe thanks lorca
Take VERY good notes. Your life literally depends on it.
LMAO – as usual! ;}
Really funny, Lorca. That’s good dialogue. Have a terrific BookExpo too.
I think it’s a wonderful conversation. With my husband it would be – let’s have sex just in case.
Your husband is apparently way smarter than mine. “You mean, we could have had sex instead of me washing all the laundry???”
This is hysterical. I love it.
Thanks! He’s an amazing source of material.