I’ve been promising myself I would some day write a post about horses and the day is finally here. This is my now-famous Blog Post About Horses. It wasn’t a major life decision or a bucket list thing to write about horses (thank goodness, because that would mean I was going to die after crossing this item off that list), but it was important to me.
Lots and lots of people, and I mean tons of people, have found my blog by Googling something about horses. Horse photos, horse shows, horse shoes, horse tack and equipment, horse feeding guidelines, horse illnesses, you name it. And those poor, poor people have ended up reading my crap. And I’ve never written a word about horses except that one time that I wrote about how I’ve eaten horse meat and it wasn’t the worst food ever.
It scares me terribly that people are using my blog as the WebMD of the horse world because I’ve only got one word of advice and it applies to every horse illness: shoot it. Then marinate it.
The saddest to me are the people who were trying to find information and pictures on dressage, and they ended up reading about me taking a blow torch to my own face. Those poor people weren’t right to begin with because they like dressing their horses up in dainty outfits and paying trainers lots of money to teach those poor creatures to prance, but after reading my blog there will be no saving them.
Since I had to look up dressage on the internet to find out how to spell it (and when I Googled “gay prancing horses” it took me back to my own blog…weird), I learned more than I ever wanted to about making a horse prance. There was a lot of information about how to do it and where to do it and the history of doing it.
But there wasn’t a single word about why in the hell you would do it.
It would be too easy to assume that this would be an excellent etracurricular activity to steer your horse to if you somehow knew that your horse was gay, like how there seem to be a stereotypically insane number of gay male figure skaters. But the problem is, dressage is so bizarre-looking, why are we defaming gay people by calling it a gay horse sport?
I guess this is another of life’s mysteries that I will never understand, but now at least there’s a real live horse blog post on this site to justify all these sad dressage-loving visitors.
Lorca Damon 
I, too, came here from Amberr’s “Like a Bump on a Blog.” I am laughing so hard!! I grew up riding dressage! As children, we used to ride some fine old retired Lipizzaner stallions who could still perform some tricks. I can’t tell you WHY we did it, other than it was fun! Love your writing, I am subscribing.
Thanks, and welcome to the black hole that is my sense of humor. I think in all of it I just feel really, really sorry for the horse!
I love your sense of humour! Don’t feel sorry for the horse…they love it, I promise.
You say that now, but how can you KNOW?
Lord love you woman…may Peta never find this blog
They’ve already found it and they firebombed my house last week. Or it could have been any number of people I’ve irritated with this blog!
People routinely don leather chaps, put leather harnesses on horses, and then smack them on the butt with a riding crop, and the dressage horses are the gay ones?
I didn’t need that visual. Now I think people with horsey fetishes are viewing my blog!
Three words: ewwwww gross. (the ewwww is actually two words if you say it right)
Why? It originated from the use of horses in war, so I guess the why then was ‘to kill people more effectively’ or something like that (I guess it was a bit of a bummer if your horse ran off bcause you dropped the reins while trying to manage your sword and shield…). Now it’s just a demonstration of the skill involved in teaching a horse to DO something that would be useful in war, since, of course, we don’t use horses in war.
Ironically, what you’re calling prissy originated from something terribly violent LOL
I’m sorry. I’m envisioning the horses I saw on Google as extras on the set of War Horse.
Um, is there a reason googling horses will bring me to you, Lorca? Wow, that is just wild … horses.
eden
Yes, there’s a very good reason: my animal magnetism! (you totally saw that coming…tell me you saw that coming)
I think it’s the great hair! you have GREAT hair like a horse’s mane.
eden
I really enjoyed this post … especially the way you ended up back at your own blog when trying to find out information about something you knew nothing about. That’s definitely better than my experience: googling my own name and finding testimonials and eulogies.
BTW, and sorry for the plug, but my book features an autistic hero. Hope to read more of your stuff soon.
No need to be sorry…I’ve read some great novels with autistic characters. It’s an emerging audience, seriously. Sorry that your name brings up eulogies. Mine brings up SeaWorld (orcas).
I force my horse to do “stallion-esque” activities, like fox hunting and steeplechase. Not having MY horse turn out to be one of those prissy dressage geldings.
I love it! Machismo Lessons for horses!
Some things just defy explanation (apparently)!
Followed you here from Amberr’s Like a Bump on a Blog. Really enjoyed your post on the Hoover Dam (hilarious!) and enjoyed this post, as well! Always nice to run across a blogger with a sense a humor. 🙂
Thank you! Now run away before you get sucked into the gravitational pull of my stupidity!!! (and thanks for reading!)
Given the impending marriage law changes in the UK to include gay marriage you must not under any circumstances write a blog about gay horses which mentions how well they got together with carriages or you’re in for a bumpy ride.
As long as they don’t prance with the carriage, we’re good.
Is ‘prance’ a euphemism – as in ‘pranced out’ , ‘a total prancer’ and ‘prancing hell the prancing traffic warden just gave me a motherprancing ticket and I was only gone two prancing minutes; prance it!’ ?
PRANCE is my new favorite cuss word and best of all, only you and I will know why. People around me are going to be so confused.
I shall be using it to cuss from now on. I think it could catch on… if it does that means that Dressage commentators and contestants would have to find a new word or sound extremely rude.
We could make dressage become the trailer-trash of horse sports if they keep cussing up a storm like that.