I’ve been promising myself I would some day write a post about horses and the day is finally here. This is my now-famous Blog Post About Horses. It wasn’t a major life decision or a bucket list thing to write about horses (thank goodness, because that would mean I was going to die after crossing this item off that list), but it was important to me.

Lots and lots of people, and I mean tons of people, have found my blog by Googling something about horses. Horse photos, horse shows, horse shoes, horse tack and equipment, horse feeding guidelines, horse illnesses, you name it. And those poor, poor people have ended up reading my crap. And I’ve never written a word about horses except that one time that I wrote about how I’ve eaten horse meat and it wasn’t the worst food ever.

It scares me terribly that people are using my blog as the WebMD of the horse world because I’ve only got one word of advice and it applies to every horse illness: shoot it. Then marinate it.

The saddest to me are the people who were trying to find information and pictures on dressage, and they ended up reading about me taking a blow torch to my own face. Those poor people weren’t right to begin with because they like dressing their horses up in dainty outfits and paying trainers lots of money to teach those poor creatures to prance, but after reading my blog there will be no saving them.

Since I had to look up dressage on the internet to find out how to spell it (and when I Googled “gay prancing horses” it took me back to my own blog…weird), I learned more than I ever wanted to about making a horse prance. There was a lot of information about how to do it and where to do it and the history of doing it.

But there wasn’t a single word about why in the hell you would do it.

It would be too easy to assume that this would be an excellent etracurricular activity to steer your horse to if you somehow knew that your horse was gay, like how there seem to be a stereotypically insane number of gay male figure skaters. But the problem is, dressage is so bizarre-looking, why are we defaming gay people by calling it a gay horse sport?

I guess this is another of life’s mysteries that I will never understand, but now at least there’s a real live horse blog post on this site to justify all these sad dressage-loving visitors.