Champagne Wishes, Caviar Dreams, and Deviled Eggs

A picnic just isn’t irreversibly screwed up until the deviled eggs appear. I’m not a snob or have weird food phobias, but I just have this horrible prejudice against deviled eggs (and sort of against the person who brought them). I know people who cannot achieve a good foodgasm over a turkey sandwich unless it has lots of mayonnaise on it, but I can’t even look at the stuff. It’s bad for you, it’s poisonous if left out in the sun, and I won’t even describe the visual because this is a family-friendly blog (yeah, I just snorted while typing those words) but think “money shot in porn movies.” Yup, I just made your brain go there.

But since it’s just not a family meal at my mother-in-law’s house without deviled eggs (wait, those two things kind of go together nicely), I agreed to make them this year for our Easter get-together. I totally volunteered specifically with the devious intent of not using mayonnaise in the eggs.

Guess what? It turns out that mayonnaise is apparently crucial to the deviling process. Poop.

But I’m not one to be sidelined by a little ick-slime in a recipe, so here is my own version of deviled eggs. Street Style. If that street happened to be in Greece.

Peel, THEN dye the eggs. It's more fun to eat a blue egg.

Lorca’s Sophisticatedy Deviled Eggs

Eggs (I don’t know, how many eggs do you need? Well, cut that number in half.)

Goat cheese (The mushy kind, not the crumbly kind. Oh, and let it sit in the trunk of the car to get soft.)

Those olives that are kind of maroon and start with a K and sound like calamari (but that’s squid)

Salt and pepper

Boil your eggs until they’re hard boiled eggs. Peel them (I love how in real recipes they tell you stupid shit like, “Don’t forget to drain the boiling water out of your spaghetti before adding the tomato sauce.” Anyway, peel those eggs.). Cut them in half and get the yolks out, but don’t throw them away even though they smell like baby fart. Put them in a bowl. Get the goat cheese outta your trunk and mush it up in the egg yolks. Add some salt and pepper. Stuff it back in the half eggs and add an olive slice to the top. It might look a little bland and you might be tempted to put some paprika on top just to make it all, but I wouldn’t. Anybody can use paprika. It’s practically required on regular old redneck deviled eggs. Use your brain and come up with something else that’s fancy looking instead of paprika. I don’t know, why are you asking me what to put on there? I don’t live at your house, I don’t even KNOW what you have in the spice cabinet! Use arsenic for all I care! Sorry, that was harsh. And here it is Easter and everything.


6 thoughts on “Champagne Wishes, Caviar Dreams, and Deviled Eggs

  1. “I won’t even describe the visual because this is a family-friendly blog (yeah, I just snorted while typing those words) but think “money shot in porn movies.”

    I always hated mayo – Thanks, now I know why.

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