Gifted, My Ass

STEP ONE: Put fan power switch in the OFF position.

ME: I finally figured it out. The reason you’re coughing and snotty and all plague-like sounding is because you have allergies. I think we should clean your room really well.

UBER-GENIUS GIFTED CHILD: That’s probably a good idea, Mother. I’m so lucky to have a smart parent like you. (shut up, this is my version of the conversation)

ME: Let’s open up the windows, air things out, get it smelling fresh and… HOLY SHIT look at that dust on your ceiling fan! No wonder you’re sneezing! You have to wipe all that dust off!

UBER-GENIUS GIFTED CHILD: I can’t reach up there. But you’re still supremely amazingly smart for suggesting it. (I already told you to shut up.)

ME: Stand on your bed, then you’ll be able to reach it.

UBER-GENIUS GIFTED CHILD: But I can only reach this blade right here. The rest of them are too far to reach. And you’re pretty, too.

ME: The ceiling fan spins, honey. You’ll be able to reach the other fan blades.

UBER-GENIUS GIFTED CHILD: Won’t the fan hurt me if I try to wipe it while it’s turned on?

It would be amazing and incredible and made of bunnies if this conversation had not happened exactly the way I just depicted it. I want a refund on my taxes because the public school system is obviously wasting the money that we give them for gifted programs on things like urinal cakes in the boys’ locker room.

11 thoughts on “Gifted, My Ass

  1. YOU ARE BLESSED ABOVE ALL WOMEN to have such an amazingly Uber-Polite Mom-Worshipping Obedient Child. My Uber-Genius Gifted Granddaughter told her mother/my daughter recently: “I am not the maid,” when told to help clean the house.

    My daughter, apparently forgetting what SHE was like at that age, called me to complain. “MOM, I wanted to HURT HER!” said my daughter.

    I pretended not to know what that is like.

    • This is the same snarky granddaughter who, when she was two, told my daughter in a fit of pique: “MAMA! I wouldn’t marry you if you was the LAST PENGUIN ON EARTH!”

      Now THAT’S what I call Uber Genius. But when the addorable toddler called her mother a “pompous old windbag,” she had taken it a little too far. The animated movies from which she had learned her vocabulary were tossed in the trash.

  2. Gifted child has a very logical mind…spin=powered,… Proving that he/she is, indeed, gifted! The difference between gifted and not is that once you show the gifted child the magic, he/she will take that information and apply it in other places. The not-very-bright can’t make those leaps. So you are definitely getting your money’s worth! Unless, of course, this was a very cynical attempt by a very intelligent child to get YOU to do the work. They are often geniuses at that too!

    • Oh, I’m totally gonna beat her now. She was PRETENDING to be dumb so i would clean her room! Very smart, but very stupid at the same time…grrrr…

      • Haha…that’s exactly what my gifted one used to do…..taking sooooooo long and doing such a terrible job that I would be frustrated into doing it myself.

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