Admit it. Every time you hear Adele’s song, “Rolling in the Deep,” you want to grin like an evil harpie and laugh at the man who did that to her because now she’s making a freaking fortune off the fact that “it wasn’t her, it was him.” And you agree with me that all girl-babies should be conceived to her sultry voice just to make them genetically predisposed to take-names-not-prisoners badassery.
I just happen to love that she’s no cookie cutter pop-star. She’s big-boned with a smoky voice and she has nothing cheerful to say. And that, unfortunately, would be the problem.
Adele, sweetie…he’s moved on. It’s time to either burn his whole house down or stop singing songs about him. Love ya, really, but we’re all getting a little bit embarrassed for you.
To help you get over the person who made you filthy stinking rich by sucking the juice out of your entire soul, I’ve compiled a list of helpful revenge activities, otherwise known as the Lorca Is Gonna Make You Be Dead List:
1) You’ve already completed steps one and two of the plan. You told the whole freaking planet what a jerk he is AND you managed to make a lot of money doing it. Throw in the hordes of adoring fans and that guy now has the self-esteem of a starfish.
2) Remember when the psycho boils the kid’s rabbit in that obsession movie with Glenn Close? Amateur hour. The bunny didn’t feel a thing; it died as soon as it hit the water. YOU, Adele, need to kidnap his bunny and hold it for ransom, complete with scary photos of what could happen to it. While you’re at it, you need to make the bunny fall victim to Stockholm Syndrome so that it starts to like you better and keeps running away from him to be with you.
3) Posting ugly things about him on Facebook is for dumped high school cheerleaders. Everybody does that. You need to make a Wikipedia page about this guy because those are always the first things that come up on a Google search by say, a future employer. By the time that page is finished, he’ll have killed all the Jews in the Holocaust, shot JFK, AND tried to blow up Apollo 13. Wait, maybe you should stick with stuff that he could actually have done. Think horrible disasters from the last five years. Could he have been responsible for the nuclear reactor damage in Japan? Could he possibly have broken the levees in Hurricane Katrina? Go with it.
4) Phase Two involves mental torture. It means finding scary-looking inmates on a work release program and signing them up to work IN HIS HOUSE. Shirtless and oily. And smiling. A carton of smokes for the first guy who can make him wet his pants in fear.
5) Physical torture is a fine line because there’s a very small boundary between gleeful hand-rubbingly awesome revenge and going to jail for assault. Do you still have visitation rights on his penis? If not, getting the super glue up there could be tricky.
6) Literally anybody can make up rumors and put him in awkward situations with his employers. A true revenge maven will literally pay to educate and train someone to actually do a better job than he does, then make sure that person gets his job. Please, please let it be a woman who gets his job after he’s fired just because she’s better. And time it so it happens right before Christmas shopping begins. In a recession. While gas is four dollars a gallon. And so is milk.
These are all just jumping off points, Adele. You’re a brilliant and creative person. I have high hopes for the shit you pull on the next bastard who breaks your heart. I just don’t want to hear about it on iTunes.