The Smallest Little Penis in the World

Congrats. These are the sexy women who want to meet you online.

That got your attention, you pervert. I see what you did there. You saw “penis” and clicked on it. The government is coming after you now. Actually, I seem to have the smallest penis in the world. I’m also really, really fat and I’m bald. According to all the spam I get in my inbox, those three things are the most pressing issues in my life. The entire internet thinks I need hair, diet pills, and a penis stretcher to increase my manhood.

Since I’m not fat and I’m not bald and I’m pretty sure I never had a penis (and if I did, the doctors removed it when I was born to keep me from being a hermaphrodite), I can only assume that all these companies who send me this email don’t actually know me.

Why can’t I ever get junk email that I can actually use? Where are all the spammers that want to sell me a really hunky mail-order foreign man to do light housework and perform sexual favors, all for the price of room and board and an illegal green card? Where is the flood of emails that send me reminder notes about school science projects so I don’t have to find a wadded up Xeroxed paper in the bottom of my kid’s backpack that says she has to have painted the solar system on little Styrofoam balls by tomorrow?

My real concern is all the emails I get from people being held hostage in other countries. I could be wrong about this but if my email inbox is any indication, there are about 43,000 people being held RIGHT NOW against their will in a closet in Indonesia but they all somehow remembered to bring their laptops into the closet with them so they could email me for help and they all happen to have my email address in their computers. Luckily, IF I help pay the ransom to get them out of the closet, all 43,000 of them are the children of rich people and their parents are going to pay me triple the ransom amount. Ditto all those bankers in Taiwan who know a dead customer and are willing to share the guy’s money with me if I help them get it out of the country. And ditto those children of deposed Nigerian royalty.

Of course, with all the money I’m going to get from these people when their wire transfers finally come through, I’ll finally have enough to get that penis stretcher I’ve been needing.

Apparently Spammers Like It When You Talk About Them

I swear that's the guy who emailed me.

So I posted what I thought was an innocent blog post merely informing the world that I received a spam-flavored tweet about a dog photo contest. It’s my civic duty to let you know that there are A) spammers out there and B) there’s a dog photo contest if you want to enter.

No sooner had I published that post than I was inundated ($5 word) with spam in my inbox! It’s like there are gangs of spammers waiting to jump you on the subway. Or the internet. Whatever. So like a good insomniac, I clicked, “Report As Spam,” on all of their emails. So there.

I’ve now met the Godfather of Spam. This morning, I had an email with the subject line, “Find Out Who Has Your Name.” Now, you know you’re going to open that email just in case the people with your name are either Johnny Depp, the Georgia Lottery Commission, or Homeland Security.

NO! It was a spammer claiming to have the names of all the spammers in the world who had access to my email address! And for just $49 he could get my name back from all of them and I would never receive spam ever again. He’s trying to sell me protection! I saw this in a movie once! He’s got spammers to hang out in front of my email account scaring away my contact list and just being overall menacing looking, and now he’s going to charge me money to make them go away!

Unfortunately for him, I also saw this other movie where the store owner made all the thugs stop hanging out in front of his store by blaring opera music as loudly as he can. I don’t happen to care for opera, so I’m going to start reciting James Joyce in all my tweets and emails. In all caps. They’ll get bored a pick a new victim any time now.