So I posted what I thought was an innocent blog post merely informing the world that I received a spam-flavored tweet about a dog photo contest. It’s my civic duty to let you know that there are A) spammers out there and B) there’s a dog photo contest if you want to enter.

No sooner had I published that post than I was inundated ($5 word) with spam in my inbox! It’s like there are gangs of spammers waiting to jump you on the subway. Or the internet. Whatever. So like a good insomniac, I clicked, “Report As Spam,” on all of their emails. So there.

I’ve now met the Godfather of Spam. This morning, I had an email with the subject line, “Find Out Who Has Your Name.” Now, you know you’re going to open that email just in case the people with your name are either Johnny Depp, the Georgia Lottery Commission, or Homeland Security.

NO! It was a spammer claiming to have the names of all the spammers in the world who had access to my email address! And for just $49 he could get my name back from all of them and I would never receive spam ever again. He’s trying to sell me protection! I saw this in a movie once! He’s got spammers to hang out in front of my email account scaring away my contact list and just being overall menacing looking, and now he’s going to charge me money to make them go away!

Unfortunately for him, I also saw this other movie where the store owner made all the thugs stop hanging out in front of his store by blaring opera music as loudly as he can. I don’t happen to care for opera, so I’m going to start reciting James Joyce in all my tweets and emails. In all caps. They’ll get bored a pick a new victim any time now.