I Might Be The Reason SOPA Was Proposed


Let me be the first to tell you, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I have no clue. All I know about SOPA is that Mozilla Firefox has a black band across the poor little fox character’s face and the Google doodle has a black stripe blocking it out. And that people keep saying we should stop SOPA and the other thing. Okay, I’m actually a little embarrassed for myself right now.

I’m also more than a little ashamed that Congress thinks I’m such a douche that you need to be protected from me. I am ever so sorry about that. I feel like I should be taking all my clothes off, slapping on a trench coat, and waiting for you behind a park bench. Like PeeWee Herman or George Michael or about eighteen different politicians.

Sure, I admit that in the past year I’ve used more than my fair share of dirty words on my blogs, words that my grandmother would smack me for using even if I didn’t actually speak them out loud. And there have been quite a few pictures of scantily clad people on my blog, but I swear I wasn’t showing them to you to get you all horny. I showed them to you because I was laughing at them. And yes, I wrote a blog post about filling a grocery sack with human feces. And I wrote about game wardens having wild animal sex in their bass boats. And I think I also wrote about diaper fetishes and bestiality, but I could have dreamed that last one.

All in all, our government thinks you need to be protected from me and they’re probably even right. But I can’t live in a world where you can’t pop over to the internet on your lunch hour and read about the time I accidentally walked into the porno section of our local movie rental place.

The real shame is I’ve figured out exactly what’s behind all this SOPA/Piss-in-Pipa thing…CONGRESS IS AFRAID YOU WILL SEE PICTURES OF THEM NAKED ON THE INTERNET. No, really, hear me out on this one. If YOU aren’t allowed to look at pictures of nekkid people online, YOU WON’T FIND PICTURES OF CONGRESSMAN WEINER’S WEINER. It’s so brilliant in its simplicity.

Rather than take a hard look at the dumb-assed shit our politicians have been doing in their off time, they just collectively decided NOT TO LET YOU FIND OUT ABOUT IT. They should have thought of it years ago.

So now all these blackout protests have been staged and I’m protesting as well. Be careful. If SOPA/Whatchamacallit passes, I’m going to post the F-word 500 times on my blog. No, I don’t plan to be creative about it. I’m just going to start typing FUCK over and over and post it online. You probably won’t get to see it because it will be censored, but I will feel better knowing that I did it. Yes, I will probably just pay some teenager to type it for me because said-teenager will find it funny and because I’m too lazy to actually follow through. But it’s the thought that counts.