There Has Never Been a Better Time to Not Work at McDonald’s

A job in the fast food industry is almost a rite of passage, a time period in the life of any high school student that shapes who he is because it makes him realize that yes, Virginia, he really does want to go to college. He learns to reheat food that was flash frozen, placed on a truck, thawed out, dunked in boiling grease, slapped under a heat lamp for a few hours, then redunked in the oil to give it one last go as a source of nutrition for some schmuck in a hurry. He learns that the new guy cleans the toilets, and he hopefully learned to read that sign hanging in there about employees washing their hands before returning to work. He learns all about how the corporate world sucks the life out of the little guy and bleeds him dry, especially when he’s handed that first paycheck with his thirteen total hours of work on it and discovers that in some industries you actually get to pay them to let you work.

I myself had a brief-but-glorious career in a Baskin Robbins. I was politely encouraged to quit (apparently firing people makes customers not like ice cream anymore) after freehanding a “Happy Fuck Off Day” cake. In my defense, that is what the customer wanted it to say, and the customer is always right.

But the world of fast food employment isn’t all bad. There’s something to be said about a kid getting a job, sticking with it even though it’s craptastical, and then buying his first car with the money he saved up. That kid is going to go on to big things down the road.

All that is about to change, though. McDonald’s, arguably the leader in the field that other restaurant chains follow, has updated its uniforms to be more metrosexual less American. I don’t exactly know how one of the iconic symbols of America plans to dress its employees less American, but that’s literally the plan that got handed down from corporate. They even hired a stereotypical fashion designer to come up with the new outfits.

Feast your eyes:

No, you won’t get beaten up in the parking lot for wearing that outfit.

Words kind of fail me right now. I can’t wait to see how corporate plans to make Taco Bell uniforms less Hispanic.